Strong Willed or Age Appropriate? Question: Hopefully you can help me in this situation. I am a mother of two wonderful boys ages 6 1/2 and 4. They are both very head strong and stubborn, not a bad quality for when they get older. My older son is in 1st grade and he is doing well, he knows the work. We had a tutor in the summer to reinforce kindergarten and prepare him for 1st, a teacher from the school. I was told he did not need a tutor but decided 1 day a week was good for him. I believe boys you can not let them lay stagnant all summer. The tutor advised that he was more then ready to move to 1st. But she was strict with him when he didn't feel like doing the work (thats where the strong willed comes in) like we are at home. Problem is he is in first grade does the work but not when the teacher tells him to. I find that the teachers who have children of their own understand. This teacher is a wonderful teacher, but very soft spoken. She has told me that my son loves the one on one attention, but there are 24 children in his class. I guess because I give him the one on one at home. She has told my husband and I that he is a good childrespectful, kind, very well mannered. But how do I get him to listen and do what is asked of him not when he feels like it, without changing his personality. I was wandering if a male teacher would work best? There are a few that teach 2nd grade. My 4 yr old is stubborn also. These children are well mannered respectful children. I believe a lot of it is maturity. I spoke to my pediatrician and was advised that there is no medical problem it is just sheer strong will. I would appreciate any help you can give me, I am Mom who loves her children and just wants to handle this the right way.
Sincerely, Gina
Answer: Dear Gina, I want to apologize for taking so long to answer your question. Sometimes we get backed up and busy in our many endeavors. By now, you may have already solved your question. In any case, I would like to respond and hope it is better late than never. First, your love for your children is so obvious, as is your desire to do the right thing. Im not sure what the right thing is, but I would like to explore a few possibilities. It sounds to me like the feedback you are getting from the school, the tutor and other adults is that your son is doing very well, but still you have concerns. Your concern seems to be focused around your sons strong will. Sometimes the characteristics we notice in our children create some challenges, but they are the same characteristics that will serve them very well as adults. One of the many things I have learned is that labels are not very helpful or encouraging. I dont like to think of children as strong willed. When we think about it, what does this really mean? Would we rather have weak willed children? Would we rather have children who do not have a clue about their own will because they have been taught to be blind followers of the will of others? Instead you might think of his temperament as something that will help him in the long run. As he gets older and learns more skills he may be an effective leader, he will be able to set clear boundaries for himself, he is unlikely to be bullied and in fact, may have the courage and strength to stand up for others. I suspect what you are noticing is that he doesnt always do what you tell him, or follow directions. I suspect there are two main reasons for this. First, developmentally it is appropriate for your son to be himself. He is appropriately telling you by his actions that he is not just part of you anymore, that he is his own person. That can be a challenge for parents. I think that youll notice more of his positive qualities if you change your approach a little bit. What Im gently suggesting here is that the second reason he appears strong willed is that you are inviting that from him. Im guessing that he perceives that he is being told what to do instead of being engaged in deciding for himself (which is what he wants and needs). Here are some simple tools that might help you work more collaboratively. (Please remember that you are still the leader, but excellent leaders share power with instead of hold power over.) - Learn to ask what and how questions about the tasks ahead instead of telling or directing. For example: What is your plan for your homework today? - Remember that it isnt appropriate for you to make him do anything, any more than it is appropriate for your boss to stand over you and make you do something. - Spend fun time with him that is separate from school work. The fun time you spend with him is what he will remember and what builds a strong mutually respectful relationship. - Allow him to learn from mistakes without adding guilt. If he misses his homework, or has a problem, be empathetic and ask him how he is going to solve the problem. Remember that the skills he learns from problem solving are much, much more important than one or two or even several weeks of 1st grade homework. Many parents push their children in the name of love. They really want what is best for them. They dont understand how to see things from the childs point of view. They dont realize that children are making decisions about themselves based on their experiences: Am I good or bad? Am I capable or incapable? Most parents (and many teachers) dont know enough about child development to know what is age appropriate. Some know, but are pressured by the system to do things they know are not good. You too are stuck with the dilemma of how do help your children do well in a system, even if it required more that what is developmentally appropriate. You will find many good ideas to help you with this problem by reading the question and answer titled Homework Problems and Tips at http://posdis.org/questions/homeworkproblems.html I hope you find this helpful and I wish you the very best. Jane Nelsen | 
