Five-Year Old Child Won't Apologize

Question:

                I am very worried about my 5 yr old kindergartner.  She is an extremely bright child and her teachers have been very impressed with her pace of learning. That is why it was worrisome to get a call from one of her teachers.  My daughter had pinched a girl hard and pushed her.  When the teacher intervened she refused to say anything at all.  She heard from the other girl that my daughter had pushed and pinched her because she was coming in the way of her friend.  When the teacher asked my daughter to apologize she refused.
         Upon coming home, I asked her about her day and she did not say much.  Upon probing she came out clean but still does not seem to be apologetic.  The teachers in school are nice and my daughter can be stubborn at times.  How do I approach this problem positively?  I am extremely worried.
Please help,
Mom in distress

Answer:

Dear Mom in distress,

    Your daughter is very fortunate to have you as her Mom!  As a parent you are wishing that your daughter would feel sorry and that those feelings could be expressed with two simple words, “I’m sorry.” It isn’t every parent who stops to consider how to teach their children the value of kindness and respect.  It is really easier for adults to just “expect” young children to FEEL sorry when they have hurt someone and that somehow children should just be born with the ability to say “I’m sorry” as easily as they cry or laugh. Saying sorry doesn’t--feeling sorry. Empathy is a learned skill, not an inborn human trait! Actually, this is a good thing – empathy can develop in children when they experience it and see it modeled by the adults in their lives.

So, let me introduce myself – I’m Mary Hughes, a member of the Q/A panel who answers questions from website. I’m a Lead Trainer with Positive Discipline (living life in the Positive Discipline track since 1987!). I am almost as thankful for Positive Discipline’s influence on my teaching of young children for over 35 years as I am for its’ profound impact on my own family of three now-grown children. (I’m a Grandma of Three ranging in age from 12 yrs. To 20 months.)  Your question spoke to the teacher in me, who discovered that while “Love means you never have to say I’m sorry” it does mean you “… DO Sorry!”  Let me explain.

Four ideas follow …

1.    Child development will help us understand that young children can SAY sorry and not mean it, because they don’t understand the concept but will SAY anything to please the adults in their lives!  You may think I’m excusing your daughter, or being permissive – absolutely NOT!  What I mean is this:  when you understand the development of young children, you know that their minds are not wired like an adult’s – partially because of lack of life experiences, and partially because of the way their brains are wired! New brain research tells us that it is through human relationships that the brain grows the connections it needs to be healthy and fully functioning.

2.    Empathy is taught. So, we tailor the learning for the child to help them grow to the next level of understanding what “saying I’m sorry” means and we teach it at the child’s level The book, “Positive Discipline for Preschoolers” and/or the parent book in the Positive Discipline series, “Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelsen can help you and your daughter’s teacher discover many tools that will help teach your daughter and her classmates how to solve these very normal, yet still distressing to adults, behaviors.

3.  Young children are very impulsive, and it is a long process to learn to “use your words.”
Many times adults working with children will say “use your words” but they forget they have to first teach them the words and the actions!  Young children learn best by example.  So, your daughter’s teacher might have said something that goes like this: “Oh, Janey, I’m so sorry Mary pushed you out of the way – I bet that hurt. Mary must have forgotten the words to ask you to move out of her way because she was talking to her other friend.  After you feel better, let’s see if we can help her remember them.”  Then the teacher asks, “Mary, what can you do to help Janey feel better?” (get a tissue, offer a book, give her a hug or a high five …etc.” 

Later, (allowing for tempers to cool so she can access her rational brain – so learning can take place, the scene may sound like: “ Mary – next time, do you know what you could have said instead of pushing Janey out of the way?”  To which your daughter may say, “no … or yes ;” Then continue, “It’s important to me and your Mom that you learn some ways of helping someone who is hurt or isn’t playing very well, so I want to teach you what you can do/say when YOU hurt someone unintentionally.”  If she says “I forget” (what the words are), then the teacher would say,” Mary – let’s practice so you have the words in your head for the next time.”  Then you get the two of them to role play how it could have gone…You could also stage the role play at home with a doll … my grand-daughter at the age of 12 still likes to role-play and talk with me about some of the situations she faces in 7th grade …  Then you could ask her what the good outcomes might be when she treats her friends more respectfully. (a couple of these would include being labeled as a friend, feeling better inside herself for asking for what she needs in an empowering way, and teaching her classmates who look to her as a leader and smart, etc..)

     4. When teachers use these situations to teach that mistakes are opportunities to learn all
the other children in the class will be watching and learning how to DO sorry too, so teaching this to your daughter and another child in the class also makes it ‘hands-on’ learning for everyone.  The other children will be watching and reacting to what they see the teacher do;  and they will be saying to themselves, “So this is what my teacher expects;”  “when I make a mistake and forget what to do, my teacher will help me do better.” … etc….

A loaded question next: “When you are angry with someone, do you FEEL sorry at the time  if you say something you didn’t mean or were sarcastic?”  Of course not!  Your feeling of “I wish I hadn’t said that or even thought that way might come hours later! So, remembering that even adults sometimes have trouble saying or doing “not nice” things can help parents to expect NOT to change the feeling of irritation/jealousy, etc. – we can only hope to influence children to “think before acting.” But you sure CAN expect the child to DO something to help the one that is hurt feel better – that is really how you teach empathy!  When you hurt someone, you respectfully seek forgiveness by restoring the relationship – sorry words, even to adults, ring hollow sometimes – so the “doings” are the better and more desired way of SAYING SORRY in ways that will teach both the hurter AND the hurtee.

Thanks for asking this question – it is one of my favorite concepts to teach parents and teachers of young children, because I think it helps teach peaceful conflict resolution.  I hope this helps you relax and know that you are on the right track … a book that could help your child’s teacher, if she/he is open to learning another way to teach empathy to children is Positive Discipline in the Classroom.  There is a 2-day training that schools can bring to their communities, and there is a 2-day Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way that parents and parent educators attend to learn more about the positive discipline tools in an experiential way.  Maybe you would like to bring some training your way? There is a great handout on the website, “WHAT IS POSITIVE DISCIPLINE?” that explains more about the principles that guide adults in their very important work with children. 

Sending you MUCH encouragement to keep on learning about parenting – you’ll never say “I’m sorry” for taking that step as a parent! I know I never have!
Mary Hughes (Omaha, NE.)