Wild Kids in a Department Store

Question:

Two boys, 3 and 5, in the middle of Nordstrom’s and they are "out of control" screaming, hiding under clothing racks, running up the escalator...I can't just leave because I'm in the middle of a transaction with the cashier...and I need to complete the business I am doing. What should I have done?

I appreciate your help...we will be going to your workshop in November in San Francisco/>/>

Cory 

Answer:

Hi Cory, You are going to love the November two-day workshop. You will learn tons of ideas for solving this problem and many others. Meanwhile, I suggest you teach cooperation and take time for training. It might look like this:

Get your children involved in helping you with shopping tasks.  For example, when you are paying, one child can hold your purse and the other can hand the cash, check or credit card to the salesperson and take the bag and receipt.  The next time they help, they can swap tasks.

Role-play in advance:  Have fun with this. Take turns playing the “wild kids” and the Mommy. Then take turns playing the kids who stand quietly (or read a book) while you finish your transactions.

Decide what you will do and inform in advance: Let you kids know that if they run wild you will take them to the car until they are ready to try again. You can even role-play this with a sense of fun. Let them know that they can read a book or play with their toys while sitting in the car (this is not punishment) but that you will not interact with them; and that they can let you know when they are ready to try again. Most children get bored and are soon willing to cooperate when they know you mean it.

Then follow through and do it even if you are in the middle of a transaction. I know this is inconvenient, but who said children were convenient? Wonderful, a joy, loving, funny – but not convenient.

If you do this two or three times, your children will know you say what you mean and mean what you say. In other words, you will be inconvenienced a few times, but will then have well-trained children instead of being a well-trained mommy.

Following are some tips that make this parenting tool effective.

 1)  Take them to the car at the first sign of “wildness”.

 2) Be both kind and firm while taking your children to the car. Kindness shows respect for the children (and for yourself), and firmness shows respect of the needs of the situation (and for your children and for yourself).

3) Keep your mouth shut. I know this is hard, but children learn much more from kind and firm actions that from angry lectures. Watch out for those “tight lips”. Keep your energy kind and firm as well as your actions. This is a test to see if you can do what you expect of your children – self-control.  J

 4) While sitting in the car, continue to avoid anger and lectures. Be prepared with a good book. Sit and read. The only thing you can say is, “Let me know when you are ready to try again.” Be ready for the testing. Your children may up the ante to see if you really mean what you say.

 5) The testing is diminished if you have done the role-play in advance and/or if they can tell from your energy that you will be both kind and firm (avoid getting hooked) until they are ready.

6)  When they decide they are ready, be sure to say, “Thank you. I appreciate your help.

 7) If they never decide they are ready (which is rare), go home and let them know you can all try again another time. Remember that taking time for training your children is more important than a shopping transaction.

Hundreds of parents have tried this and are amazed at how well it works when they follow all the tips. I hope it works for you. Jane Nelsen