Shy and Lacking in Confidence – or Just his Style?

Question:

Hi,

I am the mother of 2 children--a boy, 5 and a girl, 3.  My concern is regarding my son.  He is very kind, sweet, and loving, however, lacks self confidence and at times can be shy.  His father and I have always been very encouraging to him and have him involved in outside activities like team sports which he enjoys.  Presently, he is just finishing kindergarten and has not made a single friend.  He chooses not to talk to any of the kids in class and at recess will play by himself.  The other boys enjoy playing soccer together.  When asked why he won't join in--aside from saying "I don't know."--I finally got him to admit that he thinks he'll get laughed at if he makes a mistake.  We have never laughed or discouraged him from doing anything.  He does have a few good friends in our neighborhood that he enjoys playing with, but when there are groups of children involved, he prefers not to play.  I've always thought he would grow out of this behavior, but it continues.  I recently found out he was 1 of maybe 2 children left out of a kindergarten boy's birthday party and it broke my heart.  I am now seeking advice to help my sweet boy become more involved and make friends--he is such a wonderful person and I'd hate for other kids to view him as being mean and unfriendly.

    Thanks for your help, Concerned parent

Answer:

Dear Concerned Parent,

My name is Penny Davis.  I am one of the people who answer questions for the website.  I have been a parent educator and counselor for over 25 years, and am also the parent of two daughters, now ages 27 and 20.   I was very interested in responding to your particular letter, since your description of your son could easily have been a description of my youngest daughter 15 years ago. 

Your child is indeed fortunate to have parents who are involved with his life and encouraging to him.  The fact that he does have some neighborhood friends and participates in some organized, structured activities with other children, leads me to believe that most likely his behavior is to some degree a reflection of his natural temperament, and to some degree based upon his beliefs about himself and his world." In our culture, we often value characteristics such as being outgoing and making friends easily, while tending to devalue those of being more introspective or careful.  In truth, there is nothing inherently positive or negative about these characteristics – they just are!  In my daughter’s case, during HER kindergarten year, she had one ‘best’ friend and that was all.   When the friend was absent for some reason, my daughter played alone.  To this day, at age 20, although she has become more outgoing, she still has few really close friends (as opposed to my older daughter who has always had a HUGE network of friends).  I remember her sharing with me almost the exact same statement as your son – the fear of making a mistake or being laughed at. 

Here are a few suggestions that might help.

First:  Sometime, when the two of you are just talking together or riding in the car, etc, ask him how HE feels about friends at school, or his desire not to participate in unstructured groups.  Is this a problem for him/would he like this to be different?  This could be something that is your issue, and not his at all.  He might be perfectly comfortable playing on his own, and only felt that he needed to tell you something (that others might laugh at him) because you seemed concerned about it.   If this is an area that you (or his dad) have had numerous discussions about in the recent past, I might not address it again for awhile.

Your next action will depend on what he says he feels.  If this really isn’t a problem for him, then you have to let it go.  In my case, with my daughter, I had to share with her that because I am a very outgoing and social person, it was difficult for me at times, to be respectful of the fact that she preferred fewer friends, and was more introspective. The results, over the years, were some very enlightening conversations about our differences.

If your son, however, says that he wishes he had more friends, or again states his fear of being laughed at, then the task becomes helping him look at, and perhaps even practice, some ways to approach others, or initiate conversations.  The best way to do this is by asking him questions…’what’ and ‘how’ questions are usually the most productive (ie. “What could you say to someone that you wanted to play with?”  Or, “How could you pick someone to try to make friends with?”).  Sometimes it’s helpful, if children say ‘I don’t know”, to give some examples, like, “Would it be easier to make friends with someone who has a similar interest, like soccer, or painting?”.  The key here is helping your son recognize that, for some of us, initiating contact with others is riskier than for others, but that it is a skill that can be learned. You might even role-play with him a variety of different approaches, and possible responses.

Second:  If the fear of being laughed at is a real one for him, again your role will be helping him understand and deal with it.  I might ask him what this would mean for him, what he might feel and/or think about it.  Then you and he together can explore what choices he has, should this happen.  Again, role play is an excellent skill-builder. 

Lastly:  A thought for you.  We all hate for our children to experience rejection or pain.  Our hearts hurt when they are not picked for the team, or not invited to a party.  The hard truth, however, is that ultimately we have very little control over what happens for our children out in the world.  The best that we can do is to help them know and understand their own feelings about things, people and situations, and develop the skills necessary to deal with life. This is the foundation of self esteem.

You sound like very caring and committed parents, and I hope these suggestions are helpful for you.