Selfishness
Q: I have two children, a boy age 8 and a girl age 7. At Christmas this year we were all sent money from my husband's mother and brother. Both children received $50 from their grandmother and $30 from their uncle. My husband and I received $100 from his mother and $50 from his brother. My eight year old son, who is admittedly extremely self centered, noticed out loud that my husband and I got more than he and his sister got. We brushed it off, saying that he was very lucky to get what he did and also there are two of us and one of him, so he actually got more then either of us did. I specifically did not want to make a big deal of it. Of course, later while thanking his uncle on the telephone he mentioned that my husband and I got more and that was not really fair. Well, the uncle was aghast. We talked to our son again. Subsequently, our children sent thank you cards to the grandma and uncle and have talked to the uncle on the phone, letting him know what they did with the money (bought one small item and put the rest in the bank.) However, my husband's mother (their grandmother) has not talked to them (too busy to get on the phone). We got a card from her today saying, "I'm sorry about his (my son's) poor attitude....it is a very poor spoiled attitude on his part... one that indicates immaturity and a lack of knowing what my financial portfolio consists of. The parents could help him improve his spoiled attitude and behavior." She also said she would not send any more money to him on any other occasions. Then she proceeds to say what a wonderful Christmas she spent with her other grandchild, who she described as happy, polite, and loving.
I think it is fine for her to not send my son any more money. Sometimes I feel they get too much from my husband's side of the family. I wonder if we downplayed how my son reacted? Should we have been "harder" on him? And if so, what should we have done? Should we show my son the letter from his grandma? I don't know how to respond to my husband's mother. Thank you for any advice regarding this.
A: My name is Cheryl Erwin; I am a marriage and family therapist, the co-author of several of the "Positive Discipline" books, and one of a panel of folks who answer questions like yours. I, too, have a son, although mine is nearly 20 now and pretty much self-sufficient. Still, when he was 8, teaching him about gratitude, respect, and financial matters was a challenge. There always seemed to be something he "needed," and as a single mom, I couldn't always afford the labels and gizmos his friends had. Many of the young people I see in therapy are "spoiled" in that they have a great deal of "stuff," expect a great deal more, and do not always appreciate the effort that goes into providing what they have. I think this holiday experience is a teaching opportunity for you and your son, rather than a cause for disappointment or punishment. There are several things you can do that may give your son both a sense of compassion and appreciation, and a better understanding of the value of a dollar.
First, you say your son is "self-centered." While children this age are naturally egocentric, you can begin teaching your son a sense of empathy and compassion for others. When you are out together, or even watching a television program, invite him to talk with you about what other people might be thinking, feeling, and experiencing. For instance, you could ask him with gentle curiosity what his uncle might have been feeling when your son complained that he didn't receive enough money. You can ask him if he has any ideas about how he could help his uncle feel better. Many loving parents make children the center of the family universe, shaping their own lives and desires to fit their children's, so it's understandable that many children see themselves as the most important people in the family. You can begin to model respect for self and respect for others by making sure your son sees you and your husband taking time for yourselves and time for each other without apologizing or feeling guilty.
Second, think before you spend money and time on toys, privileges, and entertainment. When you do these things, what is your son learning? Many children do not appreciate what they have because they have so much. Parents often complain that their children break or lose toys and expect immediate replacements; this is often a clue that children have been given more than they can appreciate and expect to get whatever they want. (This is usually because they do indeed get whatever they want.) As a parent, it may be your responsibility to provide for your children's needs, but is it your duty to give them their every want? All children need to learn the difference between wants and needs, and now is a good time to begin teaching your own children this important lesson.
You may decide to invite your son to earn or contribute part of the cost of items he really wants. When my son was about 9, he decided he wanted expensive athletic shoes with built-in pumps and fancy leather. I couldn't afford them, but I understood that they were important to him. So we made an agreement: I would pay the amount I usually paid for his shoes and he would do jobs around the house and neighborhood to earn the remainder. It took him several weeks to earn the difference, but he was very proud of those shoes, took excellent care of them, and wore them happily until he outgrew them. When he needed new shoes, he came to me and let me know that he would be happy with whatever I was planning to spend. Apparently he'd learned what it really means to earn money.
You can also invite your son to sit down with you the next time you pay bills or balance your checkbook. Explain to him (with a desire to teach, not lecture or punish) what it costs for a house, utilities, food, medical expenses, and so on, and how much is left over for gifts, toys, and entertainment. Ask him if he has any suggestions for how best to use your "extra" income.
The holidays are a great opportunity for children to learn as well as receive. It is a wonderful experience for children to be on the giving end and make simple gifts for their relatives. If your family enjoys cooking together, then you can help your children bake treats or make hot drink mix, soup mix or dip mix for example. If your family enjoys crafts, then you can plan a time for your children to make a special something. If your children enjoy drawing, you can take your children and their drawings to the local copy center and have the artwork reduced and put into small keychain frames. The ideas are endless and children learn about giving from "giving." It's best not to tell your children that you are trying to "teach" them anything while they are making the gifts, but just let those moments of giving happen inside of your children."
Remember, character qualities such as empathy, compassion, gratitude, and generosity are not inborn; they must be taught. I'm sure that with your help, your son will learn them.
Best wishes, Cheryl L. Erwin, MA, MFT Certified Positive Discipline Associate |
