Child Complains About Not Liking School and Not Having Friends
Question:
We have a 5 year old daughter (only child) that went to preschool last year and is in kindergarten this year. The same time last year we had the same problem occur this year. The problem we are facing with is that in the a.m. my daughter cries and tells me, I don't like school I don't have any friends; the school work is too hard. She attends day care where she has been for 4 and half years - the woman is wonderful with these children. She cries and you ask her whats wrong and she'll say, I miss my mommy. She will stop crying and go on with whatever but then when it's time to go to school the tears come again until she is again settled in class. She does very well with her school work and interacts with the children well, the teacher tells us.
Last year it started like this but then it got worse. She started to see an object and would ask what it was. An example of this was a pair of work boots or a red car out in of the daycare providers house that was there everyday. She would get very upset and scream and cry tears. These problems only occurred at school or daycare. I would like your insight on this problem. I have spoken to her pediatrician on this and he feels it's a separation problem?
Please help me to understand how to handle this problem. Thank you. Staci
Answer:
Dear Staci, My name is Mary Hughes, and I am a Mom of three grown children and Grandmother of three 12, 11, and 14 months, as well as an early childhood educator for 35 years. I am part of a team of people who answer questions from the Positive Discipline website, like yours. Raising children is sometimes a complicated task, and it helps to know there are lots of tools to use in any given situation, and also to know you arent the only parent who has had similar difficulties over school/separation from home, etc.
To answer your question, I first want to share a couple things about child development, temperament, and transitions, and then I want to recommend some resources that might be very helpful.
Im glad you have talked with your pediatrician. It sounds possible to me also that your daughter has some turmoil over separation but the part that remains an enigma is what you can do to help right? And, I dont think this is the sole thing to focus on in order to provide some help for your daughter.
As a parent of a child who has demonstrated this tendency to be a bit afraid of things in her life that are changing, she may need some assistance from you to see what things in her life she CAN control, and which things she CANT. It can be helpful for her if you make some preparations with her to take care of herself when she feels shaky about pending or perceived change. These might look like this:
Handling the End of the Year Blues by talking through the changes in school/child care schedules can be really helpful saying things like, You seem really worried about
., are you angry about
., or afraid of
(by naming the feelings she learns to say I feel mad
rather than having to hold in some general anxiety) As the end of the year approaches, remind her that she will be leaving kindergarten and going on to first grade and that she can meet the teacher ahead of time, see her new classroom, etc. and make arrangements to do these things with her.
1. She will enjoy having your support and understanding. Its hard to understand how a 5 year old can worry or be anxious about anything esp. if your temperament is very different from hers. Reading in the Positive Discipline for Preschoolers about Temperament or another author who writes about Temperament Tools (authors name escapes me right now!) can really help parents learn to understand and what to say when a childs temperament is very different from ones own. Some people are naturally the first in line for change; others need more time to warm-up to the idea. These are temperamental issues, and not easily changed but they can be helped by approaching them in different ways reading about this concept really helped me see how I easily got along with one of our twins, and had more difficulty and needed to do more adjustment of myself to better communicate with the other child in a more positive way! Knowing that wide variations in temperament traits are healthy and normal makes differences more tolerable as well. 2. How about keeping a journal where she can draw pictures of how she is feeling at various times of the day? Or, maybe she could have the teacher write down a note to you so she can tell you in words what happened during the day while you travel home
3. Reading a book about what big school is about (Nathans Kindergarten is a good book for a 5-yr. old) 4. Interviewing some 1st graders about what they liked about 1st grade could be helpful does your family know other families with 1st graders from church/neighborhood, kids sporting events
.? 5. It is pretty normal for children under the age of 6 to have a vivid imagination she may actually conjure up things to fear when she doesnt know or understand what lies before her and the pictures in her head may not BE the truth, but they BECOME the truth an imaginative child conjures up. It does seems a little odd to me that hiking boots and a red car in front of the daycare would alarm her could there have been a TV show with something like that in it where someone was hurt by someone with hiking boots/red car? Or, did the provider say anything about these items in front of her that might alarm her? Have you asked her What about the hiking boots (car) upsets you? I would like you to tell me how you are feeling so I can help you. Also asking her some other open ended questions, such as, Tell me what about 1st grade worries you? How can I help you when you are feeling scared? etc. One other possibility is that she uses this to get undue attention. In other words it could be that she has the mistaken belief that, I belong only when I get you to take care of me and rescue me. Just validating her feelings is one way to give her some attention without making a big deal of her concerns. 6. When your daughter says, I dont like school
its too hard, etc. she may just be saying that she is tired that day, or that she has learned something new that challenges her to think (theres that word again new) and shakes up her status-quo. It is tempting for adults to dismiss a childs worry, or to dote over it, neither of which is very helpful. It can be that saying something like this could help: You sound worried, honey. I know school can be tough esp. at the end of the year when teachers get worried too about being sure you know everything you need for the next years work! Im glad you can tell me about your feelings. Then youre not trying to fix, bandage, or dismiss her feelings rather you are ACTIVELY LISTENING and understanding her feelings. Maybe she needs to hear from you that you are proud of her working so hard, and to see her growing into a little girl who is smart, has good life skills, and can solve problems. Telling her you have faith in her ability to do well in school can be very re-assuring, so long as you arent giving her the picture that she has to be perfect. 7. About having no friends: she may feel lonely if she is friends with 2-3 people, and they go off to play and leave her out of the play! Talking with her about having good friends doesnt mean they have to be together at all times this worry that she has is VERY NORMAL again, she needs your ear, rather than your solution. One thing you could suggest is that she have 1 0r 2 of her friends over specially to play
and try to make some plans for her to see people from her class over the summer I bet the parents of a couple of the kids would gladly start a play group with you over the summer you could even take turns hosting the small group of kids! This has you knowing her friends and knowing their parents informally, and can help you understand your daughters social skills better through observation. 8. It may help to remind her how far she has come in her 5 years from a baby totally dependent on you to a bigger girl who can take care of herself sometimes when Mom/Dad isnt around
it hasnt been long since she was little and depended on you for everything maybe she still thinks she is supposed to feel this way! 9. A couple of books that I would recommend for further help any book in the Positive Discipline series (Preschool, the original yellow book, or Parents Who Love Too Much
), any of the books on understanding temperament, and some books for her on growing up and going to school can be items you can refer back to when transitioning/warming up to a new situation is shaking her independence. These books are available at www.positivediscipline.com if you cant find them in your library or in a bookstore.
Hoping some of these ideas can be of help to you and your daughter in developing some skill in dealing with change/transitions/school-times she doesnt like, etc. It also doesnt hurt to find a competent psychologist who works well with children and has an Adlerian background for some extra help on this challenge.
My best to your family and your daughter they grow independent so fast! (Hard for me to even believe my oldest daughter is now 34 and was my clinging vine!) Take it at a waltz step instead of the fox trot when it some to change and your daughter understanding, rather than changing her, will be a big support for her and easier on your Mom-nerves.
Mary Hughes, Certified Positive Discipline Associate, Omaha, NE. |
