Hates Diaper Changes

Question:

I have your books Positive Discipline: The First Three Years and Positive Discipline: A-Z.  However, I'm in a bind about this one.  Everything else is great between my toddler and I, but there's this issue about diapering.  
 
He's only 13 months, but he fights tooth and nail about changing diapers.  Since babyhood he's never expressed discontent at having a wet or poopy diaper.  I would have to sniff and check or else change his diaper every two hours or so.  On the rare occasions that we were out and he had to be in his diaper for over four hours he would never complain and would be content. 

He only cries when he's really hungry.. and when I change his diaper.  I'm afraid that this has become a bit of a power struggle between us.
 
He cries as if he's being hurt whenever I change his diaper and it pains me to hear him.  He's got such a lovely disposition the whole time, and it's hard to hear him cry.  On the other hand, the diaper has to be changed for health and hygiene reasons. Here's what I've tried so far:
distracting him with a toy or play (works about 40% of the time but he still cries initially and fights so I have to subdue him)

• I tried taking off and putting the diaper on him when he's toddling around (the problem seems to be the lying down part).  This is nearly impossible, since he'll try to get further and the diaper is improperly put and looks like it could leak anytime
  He's happiest when he's naked but that is obviously an inconvenience ;)
• Having him hold the diaper -- he'd throw it far away (he's a smart cookie) As soon as I say, "it's diaper time" he toddles in the opposite direction.  What do I do?  How do I get the kindness in with the firmness (should I even try to use force, subdue him?) but at the same time how do I do the firmness with the kindness when I cheerfully announce "diaper time" and he refuses to cooperate?
  
  Thanks!  I love your books and the common-sense wisdom that you so generously share.

Please help, Carolyn

Answer:

Hi Carolyn,

 My name is Laurie Prusso/> and I am one of the people who answers/> questions that are sent in by parents and teachers.  I am the mother of six and have six (almost 8) grandchildren.  I know that these kinds of behaviors can seem very frustrating.  In reading your letter, it is clear that this is a happy child and that you are really attentive and tuned in to him.  If it weren’t for my recent visit with my grandson, I’d be at a loss as to how to respond to you, memory being what it is.

I do recall my own children fussing, fighting, and being very unhappy during diapering during stages of their growth and development.  This is very normal.  It is also normal for a child that young not to be bothered or concerned about wetness or a dirty diaper.  Some of that is due to the new very effective disposable diapers.

This stage will pass, believe it or not.  However, it is a perfect opportunity for you to practice being firm and kind as his behavior is not really “misbehavior”.  Practicing this kindness and firmness now will be a great lesson for you as he grows.

Of course you wouldn’t consider just leaving him in a wet or messy diaper all day, so he will be changed.  That is the firm part.  When you change him, don’t let his crying and fussing get to you.  It is not about you; it is a 13 month old not wanting to stop what he is doing to get his diaper changed—or wanting to be naked and run around for a while.  You can respond to him very firmly, and gently.  I would also recommend that you not try to chase him around or diaper him in a different way, but go to his changing table, or bed, or wherever you would do it if he weren’t fussing.  That consistency, paired with your confidence may help him move through the stage a little quicker.

The lesson you can take from this is that sometimes children will not want to do what we want them to do.  Parents can take heart, using this dilemma to practice being firm and kind.  It is not about winning or over powering a child, it is about knowing that this is a stage, that this is what 13 month olds do, and that your conscious and loving responsiveness is more important than your child’s crying.  He will get the message of love and will have belonging and significance as you reassure him that it won’t take too long to get this diaper changed.  Soon, he will be willing to play clapping games or sing a song while being diapered.

There will be more “stages” like this one for you to deal with as he grows.  They will be influenced by your kind and firm responsiveness, and you not needing for him to be happy about it.  For instance, you wouldn’t consider not putting him in his car seat because he cries when you put him in.  He doesn’t need to be happy about it; he just needs to be in it.

If I might share a little story, my grandson was so strong and so wiggly that it was almost impossible to change him.  It literally took two of us, one kind of holding him firmly and the other doing the diapering for about 2 months.  He would scream and kick and wiggle and squirm and he really made it almost impossible for his mother to do it alone.  Letting him run around naked was sounding very appealing to her!  I didn’t see them for a couple of months because they moved away, and on a recent visit, I was amazed at the ease with which he was changed.  Now 16 months, he held his diaper while mom or dad removed the wet one, then talked and played patty cake while the dry diaper was put on.

The further I get from parenting small children, the more I forget about how powerful the stages can be.  In a short time, this stage will pass and he will move into another, each one expressing his development and his personality.  Recognize the behaviors for what they are.  Respond lovingly, firmly and kindly to them.  A crying child needs our kind firmness more than they need to be momentarily happy.  It sounds to me like you are doing a great job.  Remember, it is OK for him not to be happy every moment. 

Good Luck! Laurie

 Response:

Dear Laurie:

Thank you so much!  Your advice really hits home, because my son is exactly as you described your grandson.  It's hard for me to subdue him because he fights so much.  I take heart in the fact that just because he's upset doesn't mean I'm not being loving or gentle with him.  At the same time, you're right, I have to be firm.  It's OK for him to be upset sometimes.  Life is frustrating sometimes. 

You guys are great!  Feel free to use me for testimonials! :)

Best,

Carolyn (Brandon/>/>'s mom)