Eating and Rewards

Question: 

I have an almost 3-year-old (34 mos.). He eats very healthy food because it's all we serve.  However, he does not eat very much. I started reading stories to him during lunch time every once in a while for fun. I figured out quickly that he eats a lot more while being read to. So now, I'm in the habit of grabbing some books to read if he's not eating. Should I knock off the reading during lunch time or consider it no big deal?

Answer: 

My name is Cheryl Erwin/>; I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, one of the co-authors of several of the Positive Discipline books, and one of a group of people who answer questions like yours.

       I admire your creativity in working with your little guy. There are three things you cannot make young children do: one is sleep, another is use the toilet, and the third (not surprisingly) is eat. Putting healthy food on the table is your responsibility; actually eating the food is your son's responsibility. However, there is much you can do to encourage the process, and reading to him while he eats seems like an effective and harmless approach--as long as you keep a couple of things in mind.

    First, the available research seems to show that toddlers eat what they need over time. In other words, they may not eat all of the food groups in one meal or even in one day (and they may not eat a large quantity of food), but over a number of days (or even weeks) they will eat most of what they need. (It's worth mentioning that an exception to this rule is refined sugar. When children eat foods containing sugar, they often begin to crave more sugary foods instead of good foods.)  Also, children can usually tell which issues are important to parents, and those become the issues children will use to get undue attention or to engage in power struggles. When parents try to “make” children eat, children often find ways to tell parents “You can't make me." The key is to provide good food and then leave the eating to your child.

    If you're concerned about the nutrition your son is receiving, check with his pediatrician about giving him a good multivitamin. But because you've thoughtfully considered a healthy diet, and assuming he's gaining weight in a normal manner, chances are he's doing just fine.

    My primary concern would be that reading together does not become a reward for your son doing what you want. Punishment and rewards do not teach life skills or encourage long-term learning and growth. Discipline, which means the teaching of long-range life and character skills, does. Rewards can often backfire; for instance, if your son decides that reading is not enough to motivate eating and insists on dessert or a toy instead, the plan is not working. However, if reading a story together encourages him to eat, then make reading part of your mealtime ritual at every meal, just as reading together is often a part of bedtime rituals. (You can find more information about young children and eating in "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers," by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin/>, and Roslyn Duffy.)

    In parenting, it's not what you do that's most important: it's the intent behind what you do, and what your child decides and learns about you, himself, and the world around him. It sounds as though you're on the right track. 

Warmly,
Cheryl L. Erwin, MA, MFT,
Certified Positive Discipline Associate