Class Clown

Question:

Hi,

I have a son who is 7 years of age.  He is a leader by nature, is intelligent, is getting great grades in school, participates very well in class, is well liked (his teacher says he is very popular), he is considerate of others feelings, and generally gets along quite well with others.  He is well behaved at home, but for a few years now, we have noticed that as soon as he gets in the company of other children, he changes and does whatever it takes to be a clown.

The problem is that he is getting better and better at being a clown and now is focusing less on completing his school work in class, while he continues to disrupt others, and be disrupted by others.  He is behaving very inappropriately in class.  He however remains respectful of his teachers, and listens when they correct him, but needs to be spoken to several times every day, only to repeat the same things over and over.

I love my child for all of who he is, and I realize that he may be the next Robin Williams.  I have bought and read your book on positive discipline.  I am trying to instill the locus of control to be within him, so that he can self-correct.  It may be that at home his locus of control is us.  I am so worried that we are not doing, or have failed him in some way.

His teacher says that he freely will volunteer at show and tell to sing a song for the class (she says most children would never do that). He does readings at our church very easily.  I know that these are traits that are rarely found in people, and I don’t want to crush that out of him.

I volunteer in his class. (His teacher tells me that he is much better behaved in my presence). He was so out of control yesterday in class, but I resisted giving him a stern eye, or correcting him, I just winked to let him know I am there, and that I love him.  He just kept misbehaving, in attention getting ways.  Clapping his hands, saying oh oh oh to answer questions.  Laying down on the ground saying that he was just relaxing…I am so worried that he will become a delinquent.  I know that you are not a big fan, but he did have a consequence to the behavior – he missed his swimming lesson for that night.

I want to do this in as much of an encouraging way.  I want to lift him up.  Does he think little of himself, and so makes these decisions to feel important?  To be noticed?  He mostly does these things in our absence.  He tells me that he just can’t help himself.

Please help me. I want to raise a self reliant, good citizen who’s concern is to do the right thing instead of what feels right.

Dina/>/>/>

ANSWER:

Hi Dina,

My name is Penny Davis.  I have been a counselor and parent educator for over 25 years, and have 2 daughters of my own, who are now 26 and 19.   I am one of the people who help answer questions for the website.

Your letter really touched my heart, as I could sense from your words how much you love your son, and even though his behavior is troubling to you, you are so aware of not wanting to “crush” his outgoing, humorous, performer parts!  I commend you for that, as those are indeed wonderful qualities.

In general it seems from your letter that your son is pretty encouraged, since you state that he is well liked, respectful of others, and getting good grades. 

You said several things in your letter that might help us figure out what is going on.  First you stated, “. . . he needs to be spoken to several times every day, only to repeat the same things over and over”, and, “He kept on misbehaving in attention getting ways “.  You also wrote about your own feelings “I am so worried that we are not……”.   Since you have read Jane’s book “Positive Discipline”, I think the chapter on ‘Goals of Misbehavior” likely applies here.   If you look at that section, I think you will see that your son’s behavior does indeed,  fit into the mistaken goal of “undue attention”.   

So….what to do.  Again, referring to the chart, there are several things that you can try.  My first suggestion would be to encourage the teacher’s involvement, since the behavior seems to be happening primarily there.   Might she be willing to have him be a ‘teacher’s helper’ during the day, especially if there are particular times when she/he knows your son is likely to be disruptive?  He could help the teacher pass out books, papers, or whatever else might work, thereby involving him in a useful task and giving him the attention he needs in a positive, contributing way. The key is to help him get attention in “useful” ways instead of “undue” ways.

The teacher might also try to spend just a few minutes several times a week with your son, not talking about behavior, but just finding out about him (his favorite food, what he likes to do on the weekends, etc).

I hope your son’s teacher will be willing to work with you to find a positive solution.

Several things to try at home. Make sure that you also are having special time with him – even if it’s just five minutes a day.  It would be important that this time not be a discussion of his school behavior, but just time that he gets to be with family talking together, or having fun.  Also, make sure he is contributing to the family in meaningful ways – helping fold laundry, helping with meal preparation, etc. 

The last suggestion I have has to do with the fact that the behavior seems to involve ‘performing’ for other children.  You stated in your letter that he tells you “he just can’t help himself”.   Learning how to get along with peers and making friends is a skill.  Your son may have decided that being the clown is the only way to be liked by his classmates.   It might be helpful for you to talk with him using ‘what’ and ‘how’ questions, ie.  “What are you trying to accomplish?  How does this work for you? What might you do differently next time?” These questions are designed to help him explore the consequences of his choices for himself – instead of the tendency of most children to tune out when parents “tell” instead of ask. Role playing with him other ways to approach or make friends with classmates that are less disruptive, might be helpful.

I hope that some of these suggestions are helpful for you. Learning to have self control is a skill that takes time.  It certainly sounds like your son is a talented, and loving child, with many strengths, and you sound like a committed parent, willing to invest the time and training to help your son be all that he can be.   Good luck to you.

Response from Parent:

Hello Penny,

I thank you for your care and detail in addressing my concerns.  We have started with our first weekly family meeting.  I was the secretary, my husband was the chairperson.  We will alternate roles, and share these with the children.  It was a great opportunity to connect on issues that occur during the week that we never would have sat down and discussed otherwise.  When the phone rang, my husband announced that we would get the message when we were done because we all were more important than the call at that moment. 

Since writing you my email, I reviewed the "dangers of praise" chart, and have been acutely aware of identifying a job "well done", rather than "good boy."  Luke is a total praise junky, and really craves praise.

I will discuss your suggestions with his teacher.  I hope that she will be receptive to altering her plan for Luke in the class. 

I am an at home mom, but I take into serious consideration your point of spending time with my son.  He is at school all day, and each of our children are involved in extra-curricular activities after school.  I'm not sure I am spending enough 1-1 time with him.  I will make that a conscious effort, and I'm sure we will enjoy it in the process. 

Thank you for caring so much with your reply.  I would like to email you back in one month's time and give you a progress report on Luke if I may?

Sincerely

Dina