My daughter is eight years old, a brilliant gifted child with lots of friends who does well in school.The problem is she refuses to sleep in her own room.Not only does she sleep with me every night since I divorced her dad (when she was 4) but I have to be in the room with her for her to fall asleep.She does not admit to any fears (the dark, nightmares, monsters, etc..) she just says she cannot do it.Right now her newest excuse is that she wants the windows in her room to be hooked up to the alarm system.I am at my wits end.Sometimes I just want to relax and unwind with a book.......but that is impossible as she needs to be asleep by 8pm/>.My room is no longer my own.Do you have any suggestions? Susan
Answer:
Dear Susan,
My name is Jody McVittie/> and I am part of the team that answers/> questions for the Positive Discipline Association Website. I'm also a family physician and the mother of three teens.I can hear how much you appreciate and love your daughter. This however, is not just her problem.One of the things that we teach in Positive Discipline is the concept of mutual respect. Try thinking of mutual respect as a stance in which you respect yourself and the needs of the situation (and the other person does the same.)Mutual respect allows you to act with kindness and firmness at the same time. The kindness part involves respecting the needs of the situation, the firmness part involves respecting yourself. When you think about it, kindness and firmness is respectful to everyone involved. Here are some suggestions:
Recognize that this pattern which started 4 years ago "worked" for both of you at that time as you transitioned into a life with one less adult in the house. (I am not saying it was an ideal long term solution, but I think it is helpful to notice that it may have provided comfort for both of you.)
Take a moment for reflection about what you would like for the future. (Be able to have your room to yourself at night, be able to relax and "unwind" with a book.)Take some time too to think about what you would like for your daughter. (To be able to fall asleep by herself, to feel safe sleeping in her own room, to develop the perception that she is capable (rather than dependent, etc.)You are making this list about your daughter to help yourself understand that you are not being "selfish" or "unkind" to be self respectful, but that it is also important for her to have these life skills.
Begin a conversation with your daughter. This conversation might happen all at once or in short pieces over several days. Start by reflecting on how the pattern started.Then calmly and clearly state why it isn't working for you anymore. This would include the things that you want for yourself, but no discussion about what you want for your daughter.
Instead of telling your daughter what she "has to do", let her know that you need more alone time in the evening and you would like her to help you come up with a plan where in the not too distant future you are both going to bed and sleeping in your own beds.Ask her to help you find a solution that will work for both of you.There are two key points here.First, don't have the conversation until you are clear in your own mind that you really want to "have your bedroom back" so that you convey that certainty in your words and your body language. Second, make it clear that this is not about not caring about your daughter, not wanting to spend time with her, and that you do love to snuggle with her, you would just like to do that before its time to go to sleep. You need your own private time in the evening.
Give her an opportunity to share her concerns and don't rebut them. Just reflect what you hear. "It sounds like you are afraid that something might happen in the night." "It sounds like you feel uncomfortable making this change."Listen deeply and try to hold what she says as "information only." Don't argue with her, don't problem solve her feelings, don't try and fix the fact that she is likely not to like the change.Just listen.
When you begin problem solving, start by making a list of ideas without deciding what will work. Almost anything goes. Be patient. Don't give her too many ideas.Gradually make a list of MOSTLY her ideas. (This also may take several days).They might include sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor of your room for a transition time, going cold turkey, having a weekly "slumber party" for you and her on couch cushions in the living room, setting a schedule for a gradual transition. (The list the two of you make might look different than this.)
After you have a long list of ideas work together to find the several ideas that look like they will work the best. Remind yourself about self-respect. Do these ideas work for you (really)?If getting an alarm system hooked up on her window is too expensive, don't do it. Help her think of other ways to solve that problem. Waiting until she is 14 isn't respectful to either either of you.If you are clear that the problem needs solving and continue to maintain faith that it will be solved with her help, she will collaborate.
Once you come up with a plan, write it down and begin to use it.You may run into a few bumps in the road and you may need to fix it a time or two. But it will work if you have confidence in yourself, in your daughter, and in your plan. (Your own confidence is extremely important. Children sense when their parents are scared, worried, sad, confident, happy or any emotion you can think of.).
One couple in one of my parenting classes followed this plan.Their 9 year old daughter chose to sleep on her parents floor in a sleeping bag before moving back to her own room. The day before "move out night," when she was supposed to return to her own room, the daughter left a note for her parents that read, "Mom and Dad, I'm not ready to move out yet. I need three more days. Can I move out in three days instead of tonight?"Both parents recognized how far they had come and agreed they could wait 3 more nights.Once the daughter returned to her own bed (at her rate), bedtime also was not a problem.
Finally, I would encourage you to notice any time the things you do or that your daughter does leave you feeling worried or guilty about her or about what you "might have done to her" by divorcing her Dad. Those feelings of worry and guilt lead parents to give their children special service, which in turn lead the children to believe that they belong only when they are getting special service (over indulgence) and they become skilled at inviting the parent to feel more worried or guilty.It can be a vicious cycle.It helps to remember that in order to be resilient children need to experience disappointment and some rough spots in life. We don't need to intentionally add any difficulties to the lives of our children, but we need to avoid protecting our children from normal life experiences.Steve Maybell calls these opportunities for "stretching psychological muscles."Having used those muscles growing up gives kids a chance to be more resourceful and resilient as adults.
So keep on loving your daughter, respect yourself and enjoy your problem solving adventures!
