Won’t Poop in the Potty

Question:

Our dear little four year old boy will be starting school in May 2005. The only worry is, is that he REFUSES, big time, to do bowel movements on the toilet.

All the coaxing and re-assuring and fun things that we have tried, to try and get him to at least sit on the potty AND the toilet have come to a dead end. We even tried bribing (we know that’s a no no) him with a special gift if he would just, sit on it and do nothing.

We have put his favorite toys on the toilet/potty and told him that even they (his toys) have fun sitting down. But.....NO WAY, our son just wants a nappy put on, end of story!. He has literally SCREAMED the house down. If we don't put one on, then he will hang on and of course end up constipated a few days later! We've bought the small toilets seats so the hole isn't so big, we've given him a choice if he'd like to sit on the potty or the toilet and he says a firm "NO" to both choices given.

So, we don't know where to go from here and we're just wondering if there are any magic potions or just ANYTHING that we can do to help our boy get over his toilet/potty training fear that he seems to have, before he goes to school. We have never forced the issue of doing number twos on the loo/potty as we've heard that you're not supposed to, but sometimes I feel like strapping him on there !.

Please help.

Thanking you, Maria from New Zealand/>/>.

Answer:

Dear Maria,

My name is Jody McVittie/> and I am part of the team that answers/> questions for the website. I am also a family physician and the parent of three teens.  I'm guessing that your son's behavior is really driving you nuts.  You are likely feeling challenged and maybe even defeated by his actions.  Nothing is working! And the truth is, there is nothing you can do to MAKE him poop in the potty.  But you can change things so that it is more likely that he will move in that direction.

Positive Discipline is based on the works of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs who noticed that what people really "move toward"...or direct their behavior toward is a sense of belonging and significance. How does not using the pot work in that direction, you might ask?  When we develop mistaken beliefs (out of awareness) about how to get belonging and significance, we end up off course. For example, normal 4 year olds often have the belief that they belong when they are the boss or in control.  Dreikurs called the movement toward power a "mistaken goal"...because underneath what your son really wants is belonging....he is just going about it based on a mistaken belief...and a lack of ways to "get" belonging in more socially useful ways.  (If you haven't already, I highly recommend that you read Jane Nelsen's book Positive Discipline which will explain this in more depth).  So what do you do?

First you stop this kind of engagement in which both of you want to do it your way.  Second you help him get belonging in more socially useful ways.

Stopping the "potty power":

Stop what you are doing. Stop trying to "make him" do what you want. Just stop. Let go of your fear about school. (This will take practice, self control and maybe meditation). Stop even talking about it. After the steps below (taking time for teaching) don't even mention it to him, to your friends, to your parents... no one.  If people ask, let them know that you have faith in your son to work on this now that you understand that trying to "make" him do something that he needed to have control over wasn't the best way to teach him to take care of himself.

Taking time for training:

When you change directions like this, make sure you give him some warning.  Let him know that you realize that he REALLY wants to do it his way.  And that you realize that you've been pushing him...and when he's ready to go in the toilet he will. Then ask him what he needs to do this himself. What kind of diapers?  Where should they be stored? What will he do after he has a bowel movement? (You and he may need to negotiate on this one.  Dumping the whole works, diaper and all in the toilet for example won't work. You may need to teach him to shake out the bowel movement and put the diaper in the garbage and then to wash his hands.  Be careful not to tell him what to do - or you may be back where you started from... but to ask him what he will do, and then if it isn't ok with you keep negotiating to work together on something that works for both of you.)  Walk through the steps with him and go slowly.  Teach him the pieces of the routine that he can't do by himself yet. Teach him how to put his own diaper (nappy) on, teach him how to go get it when he needs to have a bowel movement, and how to take it off and wipe himself. Teach him how to dispose of the dirty nappy in an appropriate way.  You might need to make a few practice runs... or some role plays. 

Letting go:

Give him as much control as possible.  Don't make it hard for him. Disposables or pull ups might be easier for him to manage. Then after he has learned how to take care of himself (it might take a few days), congratulate him, and kindly let him know that now that he is capable you don't need to be involved.  Then do your very best to stay out of it. 

If you begin to worry if he is "getting away with something" just notice those feelings. Remind yourself that what you have been doing hasn't been working, and this isn't about his way or your way (that is an invitation to the belief that I belong when I'M in control or boss). This is about teaching him how to take care of himself. 

Getting more belonging:

Make sure that you get special time with your son. 15 minutes a day at least where you shut out the rest of the world and do something with him. It could be reading, playing games, spending time on the floor in an imaginary world with his dinosaurs, going on an imagination hunt, or a science trip in the yard with a magnifying glass. Four year olds are so naturally curious and energetic and intense.... join him at his level.

Engage him in activities with you. Four year olds love to help cook, to help with pet care and to be useful around the house. Four year olds can help rake, cut vegetables, scramble eggs, set the table, greet guests... all after some simple training.

Parenting can be a challenge...but you care about your child and are willing to ask for help and keep learning ... that is the best any of us can do. Your son is lucky to have you as a parent.  Best wishes.  Jody McVittie/>