Seemingly Disinterested and Unmotivated 

Question:

My 12 year old daughter (only child) does not have any real interests and is not even curious. We have tried to give her opportunities to try many things but so far nothing has reached her. She also is now at the age where she won't "try" anything and most recently has dropped out of things she initially signed up for i.e. basketball, soccer and swimming. She has a strong social life for which we are grateful but we would like to help her develop some "islands of competence."  She is surrounded by capable, competent friends who excel in some area.  She views herself as stupid and is not interested in anything including school.  She has always refused to learn any skills. If she can't do something perfectly the first time she gives up and refuses to continue (riding a bike for example). Please do not conclude from this that we are after all the time because we aren't. We often think we should be more demanding that she stick to something or learn anything but it takes an enormous amount of energy to combat her resistance. For example, we tried to keep her from dropping out of basketball. She has some natural talent but doesn't understand the game, refuses to be taught by coaches, friends or family and complains that she is no good. After battles to get her to any practice or game we gave up. 

What do we do? How do we engage this kid?

ANSWER:

Dear Parents Who Gave Up,

I'm a grandma of three - a 12 year-old girl, an 11 year-old boy, and a 2-year old boy - and one of several Positive Discipline Associates who answer questions from our web-site. My background is in early childhood education, and I currently train parent educators and am a Families specialist with Iowa State University Extension, working with families to create stronger, more resilient relationships throughout the life span.  I’ve been doing positive discipline work both personally and professionally for over twenty years.

I hear your discouragement, concern and worry.  If you are like most parents of pre-teens you worry about the usual enticements of teen misbehavior.  You are likely concerned that she may get interested in the ‘wrong’ things with the ‘wrong’ crowd if she isn’t putting her energy into one of the many school or community activities that are available to choose these days.

I want to begin by assuring you that your child IS interested and motivated in belonging and being significant.  And, she is getting both by appearing to be DIS-interested and UN-motivated. 

One thing I picked up right away is that all of the activities you mention are ‘sports’ oriented.  Mind you, it’s GREAT that girls these days are able to join almost any sport they want. In my day I would have loved to play softball, but they didn’t really encourage girls to do that sort of thing – it was piano, voice, drama, and maybe swim team in the summer! It irked me no end when my daughter, now 32, injured her knee (anterior cruciate ligament surgery) her Sr. yr. and had a Dr. tells me as she came out of her first surgery, “Well, I don’t worry as much when a girl has this sort of injury. When the boys hurt their knees, there goes their future!” This prevented her from playing volleyball on the state championship team, but didn’t keep her from getting a volleyball scholarship and she STILL plays volleyball WITH a knee brace! Wendy was the jock – her twin brother was the brain!  My how times had changed since my day – or had they?! 

I share these things because often, as parents, we create an environment unconsciously that invites certain behaviors from our children.  And I want to think about what you have written and some of the implications that MAY be behind your daughter’s behavior.  I do this in the hopes that even if I am guessing wrongly, you will have a new way to look at your daughter and be able to show the faith in her that she needs to hear from you. (And that you likely have, but have not communicated in a way she can understand you). 

In Positive Discipline we look more closely at the BELIEF BEHIND THE BEHAVIOR rather than the misbehavior itself.  Perhaps you only mentioned the sports-related activities she has tried, and didn’t illuminate other experiences she has tried and let go – but I think this holds a clue.  And also, I noted that you say you have one child – much of the research on birth order shows there is tremendous pressure to be ‘special’ on an only child, whether real or imagined! 

This brings me to a second principle in positive discipline: we look at reality from a different perspective – reality is not what actually IS.  Rather, it is what one THINKS and FEELS about what IS that is the TRUE reality.  My guess is that you love your daughter very much – this comes out loud and clear in what you have shared, and you want your daughter to be happy, successful at something meaningful, and to live a life that matters.  One thing you imply, is that this behavior of dis-interest is a common one for her – it is not new – rather it is characteristic of her nature, and she has become a master at quitting.

It is always hard when parents and children’s temperaments collide and become a source of friction. I suspect your daughter is not ‘like’ you in temperament or in interests. I wonder if you both are sports-loving people, and think your daughter should have inherited this love of sports from you, but she missed that boat somehow! 

One of the pieces I am still learning a lot about on my own parenting journey is how to relate to my children in ways that are mutually respectful of our differences. I am still learning how to marvel at our uniquenesses (and my kids are grown – 36 yr. old daughter;  32 yr. old twins! – all married to people very different from themselves too!), Sometimes I still look for ways to bring us more alike; I have to stop myself sometimes from saying or doing something that creates an environment that is less welcoming of those differences – so this part of the journey never ends!

Let’s look at a couple things that may help you to understand your daughter’s beliefs – it is these beliefs that guide her decisions (esp. the ones that surround her ‘imperfections’).  We are always making decisions based on what we think and feel about a situation – the decisions are usually not consciously thought out, but we CAN uncover them by looking at how we feel when our children take certain actions.

It is my belief that your daughter has a very resilient spirit, is actually quite persistent, and would really like to be independently proud of accomplishing something that is important to HER.  She would really like to find something at which she could excel and something she would enjoy doing. Up to now, whatever she has tried confirms her belief that she can’t do anything ‘right’ and that a person who needs coaching to ‘do better’ is unworthy, so she stops doing the things where she needs help.  She gets to the point where she actually believes “I can’t do IT.” …whatever IT stands for. When she ‘quits’ her parents and teachers give her a lot of attention for quitting and tell her not to be a quitter.  Maybe even her friends tell her this.  Her belief is that by keeping you busy with her ‘quitting’ she belongs – she doesn’t have to push past the pain of failing and keep going to make a change in what she believes about herself. 

So, her behavior could be based in the mistaken goal of “un-due attention” in an attempt to find belonging and significance. Or, it could be the mistaken goal of “misguided power.” When you and the other adults she cares about pay attention to her ‘quitting’ she is in charge  - she has power then and is able to influence you – SHE has decided to quit (there is her independent strength showing!) over and above what you desire for her. She believes she is significant then, and it gets her what she wants – the ability to choose to quit. 

Getting belonging and significance through misbehavior is sometimes easier and more comfortable. (Esp. when this has been a pattern she has practiced a long time.) By getting your attention and establishing her power over yours, she may also think, “See – I’m not good at anything I try – I always give up – that’s me – you just have to take me as I am;” and ultimately,  she retreats even more into her identity of being a ‘quitter’.  By then, you are likely feeling somewhat annoyed and irritated, challenged as parents, and hurt and ready to give up – so by then, you say out of utter frustration, “I don’t know what to do – I guess you might as well just quit this too.”

And there you have it – a child who has buffaloed herself – and her parents - into being a master of the mistaken goal chart!  And you say, “the what chart?”  Mistaken goals are a phenomenon neither of you knew about until now, most likely – which also again attests to it’s unconsciousness.  I can’t emphasize that part enough – we usually don’t know we are doing these things – when it comes into our consciousness we can usually then make some change in what we think or feel which ultimately then changes the outcome. 

One last thing … You mention that you 'think you should have been more demanding of her to stay on' to finish her latest pursuit. This isn't a bad position, or such a bad idea.  If you decide to do this, you may actually be encouraging her to think through how her 'quitting' affects others.  And that to be a responsible team member means sticking it out to the end of the season and doing your very best, even if you aren't 'perfectly suited' for the sport.  This may help her to see that you have faith in her to make the right decision. By suggesting that she reconsider staying on to the end of the season may actually be a very positive parent response, so long as you guard from being angry or disappointed in her decision that she doesn't want to continue. However, this can backfire if it becomes a subconscious power struggle – that she insists on winning.

The Positive Discipline books are FULL of tools that can help you all overcome this pattern of ‘quitting.’  I suggest you get the Positive Discipline for Teenagers and read more about the tools which will help your daughter become self-reliant, learn to enjoy her strengths, and put her strong will and determined spirit to good use.  I think if you look past sports and encourage your daughter to find one small step that she can take toward success at something, she will begin to pinprick her way through her usual pattern and surprise you all. Perhaps she excels at school, or she has artistic talent, or musical ability (sounds as though I’m reverting back to MY growing up years and what girls SHOULD do! – not intended at all!) Maybe she really likes to be of service to others – has a liking for older people or people who are sick …maybe volunteering at a shelter or doing Red Cross or working as a Hospice volunteer would be worth suggesting or having someone else suggest to her. Or maybe it’s drama, or taking care of plants, animals, or children … perhaps there is a creative writing ability that could be nurtured … I don’t know what it is.  But I know she has it, and you do too – it’s just hidden from view right now!  The place to start is to tell her, “Inside you there is a talent – a gift – something that is uniquely you, and we have faith in you to find it.” 

Then encourage HER efforts – one small step for your 12-year old will seem like a leap on the moon, I am sure. Maybe the best suggestion of all is to just leave her alone about ‘being a joiner’ and spend some 1/1 ‘special time’ with her doing what she wants to do.  My oldest daughter still tells me, “I’m not like you, Mom – I like one friend – I don’t have to have a whole bunch!  I like so many things that you don’t” And you know what?  I discovered she is a really neat person, and a friend I treasure.  At this point in her life, we are good friends; but there were days as she was growing up that I thought she SHOULD go out for softball – she’s a natural – she COULD BE an A student if only she would apply herself.

Find that Positive Discipline book about parenting teen-agers – it’s never too late to start learning something new about the hardest (most rewarding in the end!) jobs of your life.  Get some friends together and study together – then teach others what you learn.  Kind AND firm parenting that isn’t punitive or permissive (positive discipline-style parenting) has a great pay-off - it results in young adults who have life skills, are self-confident, are responsible, and become contributing adults.

Take the time now to love your daughter for who she is – rather than for who you think she COULD/SHOULD be.  You’ll both be glad you did.

With my encouragement to keep on the journey,
Mary Hughes, Certified Positive Discipline Associate