Fidgety, Talkative Nine Year Old Question: Hopefully, you can give my wife and I some guidance regarding our 9 yr old son? I have read most of the letters on your site - with some similarities to our situation - but, as I'm sure 'other' parent's will say, there is still something missing regarding our situation! The best thing to do is start from the beginning: Our 9 yr old son, who is an intelligent, caring, sensitive, memory like an 'elephant', and always wanting to help type of person, has slowly been changing into an argumentative boy. He lies -what seems - constantly, and I have read and reiterated the story of 'the boy who cried wolf' situation to no avail. We moved from Britain to Western North America in 2002 where he settled in better than my wife and I did, he did better in school - was actually moved up a grade higher - and he loved it, because of the challenge. He was only 8 yrs old at the time and with the program he was in was getting an hour of homework A NIGHT! which both his mum and myself thought it was a bit much (seeing we didn't get that amount of homework until taking our exams as teenagers) but he didn't mind at all, so we kept it to ourselves, and he was happy. We had to move over to the other side of the country - with my job - which we talked through on many occasions with our son, and that we will be closer to our relatives (which our son is very close to) and he was MORE than happy. Our first fears being his education, his mum 'home-schooled him for the first 8 weeks whilst we looked in the vicinity for a good school. We found a school which had good results, met with the school, and when they had seen the work he had been doing in the previous school, put him in a G4/5 split. After the first week when we asked him how he liked the school his response was "It's not very challenging, but it is fun". We thought we would wait a few weeks as we didn't want to come across as the 'pushy parent's'. We have 5 meeting (2 involving the principal) since January this year when he started. He is a fidgety, talkative kid - but only when he is bored or not challenged enough - and the first thing thrown our way was a book on ADD/ADHD - after reading the book, which had some similarities 50% of the time, i came to the conclusion that we ALL have ADD/ADHD to some degree, so it came across to me that challenging the individual would be the way to go rather than sedating them! He has always loved school, and he is a very much a 'hands on person', he loves to learn, he wants information, information and more information, his way of thinking/problem solving is not a normal rational way of thinking, but we do not want to squash this way of thinking as we think that it will hold more scope for his adult life. Your feedback and guidance will be greatly appreciated A concerned dad Answer: Dear Dad, I am one of the people on the team that answers the questions on the Positive Discipline web site. I am a family therapist and have worked with children and families for about 30 years; I have also done quite a bit of work in the schools. I have a Master¹s Degree in Psychology and am licensed as a Psychologist and an Independent Clinical Social Worker. And, more importantly, sometimes, I am the parent of two children who are now 19 and 23 years old. You seem to be able to see the many sides of your son, and I can feel your frustration as you work to advocate for him and to address the issues of his teachers. I share your view of ³ADHD,² and think the “symptoms” can be strengths as well as challenges. So, I also think of “ADHD” as a difference, rather then a disability - and I agree with your concerns about long-range goals rather then quick, short-range solutions. A book that may interest you is The Edison Gene, ADHD and the Gift of the Hunter Child, by Thom Hartmann (which includes a chapter about using Alfred Adler¹s principles for raising children - Positive Discipline is based upon the work of Alfred Adler). While I don¹t agree with everything Thom Hartmann says, I do think he has many good ideas in his book and I think you will find his viewpoint and approach to be useful. I applaud your willingness to work with your son, and his unique qualities, to ensure that he has the best education possible. I suggest that you sit down with your son and understand, from his point of view, where his behavior is getting him into trouble. Also discuss with him what he thinks would help (and what has helped him to be successful in school in the past). I am guessing that you are correct when you say that he needs more stimulation (including hands-on learning) and challenge. You might also consider a different classroom or school setting, if you are not able to work out a solution with his present teacher/school. Often children with the qualities described as “ADHD” do very well in schools that recognize their qualities as strengths (the best way to determine this is through principal/teacher interviews and classroom observations). In the Positive Discipline model we recommend Classroom Meetings, and you might look for a school in your area that holds democratic meetings and involves children in the organization and management of the classroom. You also mentioned that you are concerned about your son telling lies, but I don¹t believe that you gave me enough information about that issue to comment. I will refer you to Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., and Positive Discipline A-Z, 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems (lying is discussed in some detail on page 175), by Jane Nelson, Ed.D., Lynn Lott, M.A., M.F.C.C., and H. Stephen Glenn, Ph.D. These books are available through the web site. I wish you the best as you and your son work together with his teachers to assure that he has the best education possible - and that his unique qualities are respected and celebrated. And I, again, applaud you for your support of your child's "differences" and your long-sighted view of your child¹s growth and development. Sincerely, Mary Jamin Maguire