Sibling Rivalry or 5-Year-Old Bully with Other Obnoxious Behavior?

Question:

Help!  My husband and I are at our wits end with our 5 1/2 year old son.  I have 3 of your books (Positive discipline the 1st 3 Years, Positive Discipline for Pre-Schoolers & Positive Discipline from A-Z).  We have always tried our best to use the tactics you suggest.  I truly believe that punishment invites resentment, revenge and low self-esteem.  Your ideas have worked for us for the most part until about a month ago.  My son refuses to do almost anything we ask from washing his hands to picking up his toys.  We regularly get a "no!" yelled at us.  If he ask for a cookie and is told maybe after dinner, he simply tells us that he will go get one anyway.  He has also become considerably sneaky (sneaking soda, gum, candy when he knows he is not supposed to have it)  and lies a lot (even though we have always told him he will NEVER get into trouble for telling the truth).

Our biggest problem with him, however, is the way he treats his little brother who is 20 months.  He taunts and tortures him, takes his toys, almost never shares with him & refuses to respond to our repeated attempts to get him to change his behavior.  I am certain he must be jealous and feels like the little guy gets all the attention and we have discussed this with him on several occasions.  We constantly tell him we love them both the same and we know its hard to be a big brother sometimes.  We have asked him if he can think of any way we could help him feel better and the only thing he has told us is "to make me a baby again."  It is a dawn to dusk struggle.  He is very rough with his baby brother and constantly treats him meanly.

We love both our children VERY much.  I don't know how to make him understand that his behavior is not ok without also making him resent his little brother even more.  I have considered just at times just picking our younger son up and both of us leave the room when Jake acts up, but I'm worried that it will make him feel like we are all against him and sometimes it is just not possible or practical.  My husband and I go to bed at night always feeling as if we have done a terrible job. I do admit that it has become harder for us to employ your techniques since we have had #2 come along  and we are more pressed for time. I would welcome any suggestions you may have.

Thank you, Lisa

Answer:

Dear Lisa,

My name is Jody McVittie/>. I am one of the team of associates who answer questions from the website. I am also the parent of 3 teens and a family physician.  I’m glad you are enjoying the books.  It seems like you have the “kindness” piece down pretty well. I’m guessing that the firmness piece is a little more difficult for you. When I first encountered this approach in a parenting class 13 years ago the idea of being kind and firm was kind of mind boggling. I had no idea what it would look like, because the firmness I was familiar with looked mean or like punishment.

But kids need you to create a respectful and safe structure. They need appropriate boundaries.  Here is an example. When you say, “No more cookies” and your child goes for the cookie jar, your job is to kindly and firmly pick him up and put him somewhere else. This is most effective without words. He won’t be happy. He may scream or create some other mischief. But your job is to kindly and firmly show that no means no. If you are consistent and calm, your son will “get” that his approach no longer works.  He will move on. 

It is normal and important for boys (and girls) to need physical contact: to rough house and play with each other like puppies. There are a few things that you can do to help the other sibling issues.

-          First, teach them the safety skill of “stop means stop.”  If one child is being hurt teach him or her to say stop. Then the other person needs to stop. You can all practice this with a tickle game on the floor.

-          Second, it is normal for kids to develop the mistaken belief that “to belong I need to be a baby again. (See the candle story below.) You can help here by being clear why you appreciate him, engaging him in household jobs (like setting the table, sorting silverware, emptying garbage, feeding pets) that his brother is not able to do.  But it doesn’t really matter what his mistaken belief is. Don’t allow him to “torture” his brother.  Stop talking, take kind and firm action (see 3)

-          Third, when there is sibling conflict (torture, teasing, fighting what ever) treat them the same. Rudolf Dreikurs (author of Children the Challenge) used to say “put them in the same boat.”  Don’t take sides, don’t try to figure out “who started it,” just treat them the same. In this instance, that might mean that you calmly and clearly walk each of them to their cool off spot (where ever that is), it might mean taking them by the hand and walking to the couch and sitting down to read a story together, or especially when they are older, walking them outside and letting them know that this is an outside activity.  It is amazing how creatively and cooperatively kids engage in conflict. Almost all of it is directed toward engaging a parent in some way or other.  By responding calmly and treating kids the same you avoid one child becoming the victim and the other the bully. You also teach them that it isn’t really working and they will then get better at cooperating in socially useful ways.

-          Fourth, begin to teach problem solving skills.  One of the biggest challenges for young children is noticing that there is a problem. When they both want the same toy you can say, “I can see that you have a problem. You both want the same toy. John had it first so it is his turn right now. John, when you are done, could you give it to Matt?”  When you have a problem you can say. “I have a problem. You want my time and I need to cook dinner. How should I solve it?  Do you think it would help if we set the timer and I read for five minutes, and then while I cook dinner you could play with water in the sink?”

Do your best to avoid worrying or feeling guilty when your kids aren’t happy 100% of the time. It is not your job to keep them happy. Your job is to be respectful to yourself and the situation (firm) and respectful to them (kind).   What you really want for your kids are the skills to help themselves find their own way back to comfort. To do that they need practice. They need to be able to experience the ups and downs of life…and that things aren’t always the way they want them. It is what gives them some exercise of their psychological muscles.  It builds resiliency. I am not suggesting that you need to add pain and suffering to their life… but please don’t protect them from the pain of not being able to get one more cookie when it isn’t appropriate, or from having to go home from a friend’s even when they are still having a good time…just because it is time and you need to be home.

It is clear from your letter that your children have parents who love them and who are working hard to do their best. They are fortunate.

Best wishes to you, Jody McVittie/>

PS. You might find it helpful to read the article on “The Belief Behind the Behavior” in the articles section of this website.