Not Always Nice

Q: I have a 14-month-old grandson that is just beautiful but his behavior is not always as nice. I keep him most of the time and I have tried not to use the word no. However, when everyone is home it seems that is all he hears. I have told everyone to distract him rather than say no so much. Riley will not listen to no, he purposely defies you when you ask him not to do something, he throws tantrums, and getting him to sit in a chair for one-minute time out is nearly impossible. I am so afraid he going to grow into a discipline problem is we do not manage this now. Can you help me, please? Mary Jane

A: Dear Mary Jane,

My name is Lynn Marrs. In my professional life, I am a Certified Positive Discipline Associate, a clinical social worker specializing in therapy with children, adolescents, adults and families and I work as a school social worker in a high school of 2300 teenagers. In my other life, I am the mother of two adult children, ages 28 and 24 and the grandmother to a beautiful 30 month old grandson.

First, your grandson is lucky to have such a caring, committed and concerned grandmother! Distraction and offering him choices are wonderful strategies to divert his attention to better alternatives.

There are a few points that might help give the adults in this childs life some perspective on his behavior. Adults cannot reason with a toddler and often spend more time talking that acting. Calmly telling a young child No in a calm and firm tone of voice is not a bad thing. In fact, learning to hear and accept the answer of No is something we all need to learn. However, if this is all the child ever hears, or of if the adult is yelling, slapping, or spanking as they tell him no, it is not appropriate or helpful. The best course is ACTION, such as physically removing the child (kindly and firmly) from the unsafe situation. Whenever possible, eliminate as many things from the childs physical environment that will lead to him being told no (such as unsafe things, fragile things, etc.). Get down at his level and look around. Remember that he is curious and interested in everything and has no concept of what is safe, unsafe, breakable, etc. What needs to be put away for the time being? Physically moving the child to another location where there are items the child can play with safely is appropriate. This is called distraction and is a valuable tool to use with children this age. Children are naturally curious, which is a great thing. It is how they learn about their world. Our job is prevention, supervision and of course, quick reflexes when something does occur.

Misbehavior is based on mistaken ideas about how to belong and get their needs met. Children this age are very clever at training adults into their service when adults give-in, rescue, and over-protect instead of guiding them with kindness and firmness at the same time. They could be deciding, I belong only when you pay constant attention to me, (the mistaken goal of undue attention) or, I belong only when Im the boss (the mistaken goal of misguided power). We use the words kind and firm a lot because being punitive or permissive increases the chances that children will find mistaken ways to find belonging.

Children learn much more from the actions of adults than from the words of adults. Taking a child by the hand and kindly showing him what he can do is much more effective than yelling at him about what he shouldnt do. Doing a task with a 14-month-old may be effective. Telling a 14-month-old to do something is seldom effective.

Temper tantrums are one of those normal phenomena that no parent, grandparent or adult enjoys. They are often the result of the childs senses being overwhelmed. Children, like adults, experience feelings of sadness, happiness, frustration, anger, etc. However, unlike adults, children have not developed a feeling word vocabulary and the skills, including impulse control, to cope with them. Thus, when they have a strong feeling, a tantrum is their way of releasing their emotional distress. Some tips for coping with the tantrum include providing Riley a safe place to have the tantrum. If he is not hurting anyone or damaging property, wait him out. If you are in a public place, you may need to move him to a more private space. Avoid lecturing and yelling and calmly remove any objects that may be thrown or damaged out of his reach. Do not give in to his demands, such as offering him the item he wanted at the store or a reward because this teaches him that tantrums are the way to get his way. (Misguided power.) Remain firm, kind and calm and let the storm blow over. Do not get hooked by his behavior.

Following the tantrum, you can try several things. Allow emotions to settle, including yours. Offer him support, such as a hug after an emotional storm. Know that it is okay to let children have their feelings so they can learn they are capable of surviving without being rescued or punished. Help him make amends. After everyone has calmed down, thrown items can be picked up, etc. and the adults can help him with this. Forgive and forget. Concentrate on building the relationship and trust and try to identify what lead up to the tantrum so if there is a way to prevent a similar situation in the future, you will be able to do so. Positive discipline does not advocate punishment of any kind. Our philosophy is that discipline is about teaching, encouraging, communicating and understanding the child and understanding the purpose behind the behavior, which centers on wanting to belong and feeling significant.

A note about time outs. Time outs should not be used with children under the age of two and a half, (or maybe even three and a half) which is the average age in which the childs ability to reason begins. The purpose of time outs should be to allow the child time and a safe place to regain self-control; its purpose is not to punish the child for the misbehavior. Thus, when you do use time-out, make it a pleasant place with books and stuffed animals. No, this isnt rewarding the misbehavior. It is helping the child feel better (access his rational brain), so he can do better. In fact, you might want to go to time-out with him so you can both calm down and then do better.

In addition to supervision and removal from what they cannot do, young children also require guidance to activities that they can do and that are developmentally appropriate. When your grandson needs time to cool down, a suggestion might be that you offer to sit with him on the couch, or if he has a beloved object, such as a stuffed animal or blanket, you may suggest that he sit with his favorite comfort item and you could offer to join him. Above all, your attitude and the attitude of the adults who are interacting with him are key in terms of how your grandson will perceive the interaction. Kindness and firmness at the same time along with a calm manner need to be present in the adults actions, tone of voice, body language and physical touch.

I must also respond to your concern that your grandson may turn into a discipline problem. First, discipline is designed to teach and encourage (whereas punishment is usually designed to make someone "pay" for his or her mistakes). In this regard, all children, and adults for that matter, require discipline. Second, the fact that you use choices and avoid corporal punishment and want to learn additional strategies to assist Riley are all excellent indicators that Riley will get what he needs from you to grow up to be a capable and competent individual. He, of course, like all of us, will have behavior challenges and he will make his own choices along the way about how he can belong as he grows and develops. One of the things I frequently tell parents with whom I work is that what you see today is not the finished product and not what the child is going to look like as an adult, internally or externally. This is important for all parents of children of any age (including teenagers) to remember.

You might want to read the book: Positive Discipline: The First Three Years by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin/> and Roslyn Duffy. You may also want to explore if there are any positive discipline classes being offered in your area.

One last word of caution about the other adults in the household. As you are well aware, we do not have any control over other peoples behavior. I was not clear who the people in the household are who are telling him no constantly. I can tell you that as you model a firm and kind (not permissive) way of interacting with Riley, others may notice and learn from you. Whether or not the other adults in the household change their behavior, Riley will benefit from your positive interactions with him and your relationship with him will be trusting, close, strong and positive. I wish you the very best! Lynn/>/>