Hello.I am struggling with how to motivate my extremely bright, very stubborn 6 year old daughter to get ready on time.Her mistaken goal in misbehaving usually is power.I used nagging at first, but gave it up in 2 days because it stressed me out and didn't faze her.Then I put the burden on her shoulders.I changed her bedtime to to be sure she got enough sleep.I got her up at , 45 minutes before breakfast ends, and let her know it was her responsibility to be dressed before she could eat breakfast.At we brush her hair, administer daily medications, and pack up to leave at .If she was not dressed in time for breakfast, she could grab a banana for the car.This worked well, and after a couple of tests, she was cooperating well and we were in a routine.However, these last 2 weeks have been HORRIBLE!She had breakfast in the car three days last week.Today she had to get dressed in the car, and got no breakfast at all.At she was stark naked, screaming at me to give her some breakfast right now!(I held firm, kindly and said it was time for meds.)3 weeks ago she asked for time every morning to play before school.I adjusted our schedule to give her 15 minutes to play.Now she refuses to get dressed, spends 15 minutes on the potty, or sneaks back into her room to cuddle her blanket. I responded to the last delayer by talking the blanket in the mornings to wash.However, she has found other ways to waste time -- this morning she lay on the couch for 25 minutes staring at the ceiling fan.As a result, she gets no playtime and she yells and balks over that.To help motivate her, I ask open-ended questions:what do you think you should be doing now?What do you think will happen if you don't get dressed?When I remind her that time is passing, she gets angry.When I don't remind her and her time runs out, she gets angry because I am not helping her.I have said that every morning we have trouble getting started will result in bedtime being earlier by 30 minutes.This makes her howl, and even though I follow through kindly & firmly, it has not changed her morning behavior.When she wants to get dressed, she does it in 5 minutes.Today 45 minutes was not enough time!I can't figure out what to do to motivate her and win her cooperation!It isn't that she hates school -- she loves it!Once we get to school, I have a different child -- charming, cooperative, and polite.At home before school she is a complete pill. Any insight?
Answer:
Im so glad you asked. I have lots of insight and I think your question will help anyone who reads it (and the answer) because you describe typical scenes going on in thousands of homes. Before I get to specific suggestions, let me share a few insights:
1)It is so obvious that you care very much and are trying to do the right things to motivate your daughter in helpful and respectful ways.
2) You know it is a power struggle, but may not be aware of some of the things you do to contribute to the power struggle. Because your heart is in the right place, I think it will be easy for you to motivate your daughter once you become more aware and have a few suggestions.
3) You know how intelligent your daughter is and will find it very useful to learn how to direct all that intelligence in useful, contributing ways.
4)It may look like the problem is lack of motivation but she has plenty of motivation (or there would be no conflict here), it just isnt in the direction that you would like.Adler taught that behavior is aimed toward a sense of belonging and significance.Our behavior can look like mis behavior if we have a belief(out of our awareness) about what it means to feel significant. If, for example, your daughter has the mistaken belief (out of awareness) that the shortest route to significance is by showing that you cant make me.It might result in the kind of behavior that you see.
5)The best way to avoid power struggles is to share the power.If your daughter doesnt have productive ways to use her power, she will use her power in non-productive ways.
6) You have lots of good ideas that will be powerful once you add some small twists that I will share in the suggestions.
Now for some suggestions that incorporate the insights.
1) Let your daughter know that you know you have been engaging in power struggles with her. It is very powerful to say it out loud. Take responsibility for the part you have played in this. You might say, Ill bet you think I boss you around too much. I dont blame you for resisting. I would resist too if someone bossed me around. Then let her know that you also know that you both love each other very much and that you have faith in both of you to find loving and respectful ways to help each other.
2) Let her know that you will work with her to find solutions that feel helpful and respectful to both of you. I know that you have worked with her on some solutions and they have worked for awhile. The problem is that when they stop working, you step in with control instead of saying, Honey, the solution we decided on worked for awhile, but it has stopped working. Lets you and I sit down together and figure out what is the problem and what we can work out together that will solve the problem. You go first, because you have so many good ideas.
3) Help your daughter create a bedtime and a morning routine chart. Start with a bedtime routine because it will include some things that make the morning run smoother (such as choosing clothes for the next morning and making a lunch for the next morning).
4) Ask her to brainstorm with you a list of things she needs to do at night before getting into bed. Be sure to let her go first. If she forgets a few things, you can say, What about brushing your teeth. Be sure it does include choosing clothes and making her own lunch (ways to give her useful power). Once the list is done, let her copy (if she can write) the list on a larger piece of construction paper. Then take pictures of her doing each task so she can paste the pictures next to each written task. Do the same to help her create a morning routine chart.
Let the routine chart be the boss. If you say anything it could be, What is next on your routine chart, so she can tell you instead of you telling her. This is a subtle but powerful difference.
I suggest you take a shower or something while she is getting ready for school anything to help you stay out of it. I know you are scared that she wont follow through, so in the next suggestion Ill tell you how to follow through.
5) Part of the parenting tool called Decide What You Will Do is to then follow through. You can combine this with the routine chart or do it alone. You might say, I will be ready to drive you to school at . After that I put away my taxi hat. Then go take a long shower If she isnt ready, just calmly and firmly without emotion or a lot of words follow through on the plan that the two of you came up with.. I know this sounds drastic, but it is important to help her understand that she can trust to you say what you mean and mean what you say. When following through it is important to keep you mouth shut. No lectures. The only thing you can do is show empathy, I can see this is very upsetting for you.Later, when you are both calm, you can say, Im sure you can figure out how to get ready on time tomorrow. If you do this once or twice, you will eliminate power struggles because you dont engage in them.
6) Figure out ahead of time what happens if she isnt ready. Not as a punishment, not a threat, but so that you both know. It is best if she come up with the plan. If she suggests a later ride, you can be clear that that will not work for you.You can suggest just grabbing the clothes and food and doing everything in the car, missing school (but that obviously will not work if you are working), getting her to help you out for 15 minutes later in the day to make up for the missed time, just being late to school etc.
7) You probably already do this, but take a private survey of the other ways she has to feel belonging and significance at home. Does she have enough opportunity to contribute in meaningful ways? Does she have some household jobs? Is she part of (appropriate) family decisions? Does she get enough one on one time with you?
You might want to read about Morning Hassles in Positive Discipline A-Z where we offer many other suggestions, but this will get you started. It would also be helpful it you set up scheduled special time with your daughter something you can both look forward to and if you start having regular family meetings where she uses all that intelligence to learn the art of compliments and brainstorming for solutions on a regular basis.
I wish you the best. Jane Nelsen
Another suggestion:
What worked for me with one of my daughters was just to say at we are getting in the car. Then, I just picked her up along with whatever clothes she had picked out the night before (or whatever is easily available), and we got in the car. She, then, was responsible for getting her clothes on around her seatbelt as best she could (of course she was crying all the while), and the rest in the parking lot of the school.
