Mama’s Boy

Question:

Do you have any thoughts or input on how to teach Joshua (my almost 3-year-old) about personal space?  He is very attached to me - I hate how "mama's boy" sounds but he is a bit of a "mama's boy" and very "touchy feely" with me.  In his defense, I was on bed rest for 4 months after moving here (Arizona/>/>) about 1 1/2 yrs ago and it truly was Joshua and I 24/7 since we had no friends or family to help us.  While I love that we are close - does being so close and in need of so much attention from me going to be a long term problem for him?  He needs me for just about everything even though his daddy is very involved with him.  It makes it difficult to bond with and care for my daughter with him being so "needy".  All this to hopefully shed some light on how attached he is to me - most nights he won't go to sleep without me and if he wakes up and I am not there he crawls in bed with us to get to me then falls peacefully back to sleep.

Thank you again. Blessings,
Colleen

Answer: 

Dear Blessed Colleen:

You are doing the most important job in the world – parenting.  It sounds like the introduction of your second child has brought something to your attention that might need some focus.  I am Marti Monroe/>, mother of two children and two step children who have made me a grandmother 9 1/2 times.  I have been learning and teaching Positive Discipline with parents and teachers for over 30 years and serve as a member of the answer panel.  I am known as Coach Marti on a local radio station.  I coach parents to win with their children!  I also coach families in their homes as a licensed family counselor.  I am delighted to answer your question because it reminds me of my life.  I had a mama’s boy, too.  Things seemed to be quite all right until we had a second child to deal with.  We also had some circumstances that made for a much closer bond between my first and me.  I had a baby die of an undiagnosed illness prior to my son’s birth.  I hovered over my son and protected him too much.  While you and Joshua were spending so much time entertaining each other during your bed rest, I suspect the same sort of bond came into being.

The way you state “I hate how ‘mama’s boy’ sounds,” I wonder if you are feeling uncomfortable with your relationship together and knowing that for his best development, and the development of his sister and the family, something different is needed.

Parents need to choose between long and short-range parenting.  Short-range parenting may take care of the problem that moment (like letting him crawl into your bed to sleep) and seem to make it disappear.  Then, in awhile, the problem seems to come again.  Short range parenting rarely brings the long-range results that we wish for our children.  Long range parenting leads to healthy individuals and healthy happy families.  While we are working on getting there, sometimes it doesn’t look or sound so happy.  I suspect that your reasoning for sending this question in is that you look forward to the day that Joshua will be his own boy, and then man, and not a “mama’s boy.”  

With your ability to recognize problems like this and seek help, with your record of parenting even while on bed rest (creatively entertaining and loving your son while you were compromised), with your view to the long term well-being of Joshua, and with your spirit of blessing others, I know you will be able to make the changes you are looking for.  Please remember that this could be difficult and it is important to take very good care of yourself while you implement these suggestions.

It is likely that Joshua, through his life experiences, has come to believe that he belongs in life only if he can have your attention and focus, whenever he wishes it.  In Positive Discipline language we call this mistaken goal, “undue attention”. 

Joshua is at an age where it is very appropriate for him to learn how to entertain himself, how to work and play on his own, and how to make contributions to the family by helping himself and others. 

When I was at your place in life I started with the following and offer these suggestions to you:

I looked at my life and realized that I jumped every time my son seemed to need my attention.  I interrupted my work and play to meet his needs at all times.  I let him interrupt my sleep.  I was becoming tired, irritated and embarrassed.  The first thing I would suggest is deciding what you will do, what you need, and how invested you are in your son’s independence and autonomy.  Right now, Joshua only knows life, through and with you, not life through the eyes and heart of Joshua.

1. I decided that taking a few moments for myself, doing what I wanted to do without interruption, was my first step.

2. I explained it to my son that when he is working and playing this is his time and I will not interrupt him when he says it is his time or shows me that it is.  I also explained that when it is my time to work or play, I would announce it to him and then set the timer so he could hear it ticking and know that this was MY TIME. 

3. When you have explained this to him, suggest to him that you practice this a few times. Explain to Joshua what you will be doing.  “In My Time, I am going to sort this basket of laundry and sweep the kitchen floor.  Joshua, what do you plan to do while I’m doing my work?”  Begin with 5 minutes or less, and as you get success, extend it.  During that time stay totally focused on what you are doing and under no circumstances (Short of real danger) yield to Joshua’s bids for attention.  After the first practice when the timer has gone off chat with him about the experience.  Then try it again.  You may notice in sports there are lots of drills and practice and these work very well in parenting, also.

4. Even if you could not ‘really’ focus on what you were doing because of his need to have you stop and pay attention to him, let him know how much you treasure time for yourself and how you know he will learn to get along without your attention all the time.  Thank him for helping you out by giving you your time without interruption, as soon as that happens.  Soon you can start extending the time on the timer. He will gradually learn the joys of independent functioning.

5. To help him be a contributing member of the family so he can change his image of himself that he is an extension of you, you might ask him questions and listen to and act on his suggestions. “Joshua, what do you think would be good for dinner tonight?  With what part of the preparation would you like to help?” or, “Let’s check the weather for tomorrow and you decide what to put out to wear tomorrow.”

6. Another way to encourage his independence is to make sure that he is trained (when there is time and everyone is in a good mood, do necessary training and practice on each of these tasks) to take care of his hygiene, dressing and undressing, selecting his clothes, etc.  Then, so that he is managing this himself, create together routine charts for him to follow to guide him through his routines.  You and I make lists.  He might need photos of himself doing each task. Then when he comes to you asking or requesting help, you let the chart be his coach. “What does the chart say is your next step?”  As he becomes more and more independent, be sure to mention specific advantages to you and advantages to him of functioning on his own. “Joshua, you must feel proud of yourself when you are able to get yourself dressed and ready to leave in the morning all by yourself!”  or, “Joshua, when you get yourself ready by yourself, it allows me time to relax and read the paper so that I am in a good mood to be a better Mommy.  Thank you for taking care of getting yourself dressed!”

7. Having a date alone with Dad might be a good idea, too.

8. Arrange it so he has time with children his age, when he has learned to get along without you for some time.  He’ll learn other ways to have his needs for attention met.

9. I would suggest three Positive Discipline books to you, since I am assuming that you have a younger daughter, in addition to Joshua:  Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, and Positive Discipline for the First Three Years, both by Nelsen, Erwin, & Duffy, and Parents Who Love Too much by Nelsen & Erwin.  When you study these, you will more clearly understand the basis for what you are doing and will experience long-term. They are available at www.positivediscipline.com under “products”.

10. Positive Discipline parenting classes can be very supportive and educational.  We all need training to do this very challenging job!  http://www.postivediscipline.com/workshops/signup.html is a great place to begin to find a class near you.
    
    Somehow I know you will bless yourself, Joshua, and the family by doing what it takes to make this change from “Mama’s Boy” to Joshua’s own Boy/Man!
    
    My best to you and your family, Marti