Loses Things Over and Over

Question: 

I have an eight year old son who has lost his 4^th pair of school shoes in one year.  He has lost a number of clothing items and lunch boxes.  How can I teach him responsibility for his things? Lynn

Answer:

Dear Lynn,

     Hi.  My name is Penny Davis and I am one of the people who answer questions for the website.  I have been a parent educator and counselor for almost 30 years, and have two grown children of my own.  I sure remember those times of lost and forgotten items.

     Here are some comments and suggestions for you.

     First, it’s important to understand that children’s priorities are often much different than ours.  The loss of school shoes, lunch boxes etc, might be important to you, but not so much to your son, just because he is eight and not twenty eight.  We are not born responsible – it’s a skill that we have to learn.  I commend you for your desire to help your son with this.  Most children will lose or forget things every once in awhile, but it sounds like your son has developed a pattern.

     I am wondering what your response to his losing of items is?  Only you can answer these questions and see if they ‘fit’ for you.      Given his tendency to lose things, do you often remind, coax, nag etc, to make sure he does not lose items?  If so, he may be getting a great deal of attention and ‘special service’ from you as a result of his behavior.  This may not feel pleasant to you, but it could be the way he has decided to get your undivided attention.  Or perhaps, you get angry and threaten him with not being able to replace the item, and then end up doing so?  Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline books, calls this “bawl them out, then bail them out”.  What he may be learning is that he really doesn’t have to be responsible, because after the yelling, the items get replaced.

       Whatever may be ‘causing’ your son to misbehave in this manner, here are some suggestions:

• Find a time to sit down with your son, when both of you are calm, and kindly but firmly discuss with him your concern that he seems to lose a lot of items.  Let him know (again – kind and firm) that in the future, should he lose something, you will not replace it, but that you would be willing to work with him on a way to replace a lost item himself.  He can also choose to do without the item.
• Then, should he lose something, follow through.  Simply be empathetic (eg. “Oh IÂ’m sorry you lost your jacket at school, that must be frustrating for you”).  Stop there.  Do not offer solutions, nag, or in any way get involved.  Should your son say something like “what am I going to do now?” you could certainly help him brainstorm some solutions.  This involves asking him questions (“Hmm, this IS a problem.  Do you have any ideas about how to solve this?).  Often, children are very creative, and given a chance to be responsible, will rise to the occasion (he might decide to wear last yearÂ’s jacket, or two sweatshirts, etc).  If he has no ideas, you might say something like “Well, I have faith in you to figure this out!”.  The key is not to rescue him.
• Sometimes, we can also ‘plan aheadÂ’ with children to prevent lost or forgotten items.  Again, I suggest putting your child in the driverÂ’s seat, by asking him if he has any ideas about how to prevent the loss of items.  He might decide to put things in one particular place, or tie a string around finger to remind him to get his jacket, etc. 

      On a more general note, make sure you are spending special time with him every day – talking about his day, his activities, etc.  Also, try giving him some control over his own life – let him make choices (whether to have cereal or toast for breakfast, whether to do homework right after school or right before dinner).  Spending time with our children, and making sure they feel some personal power goes a long ways to helping children feel that they belong and are important, and often results in fewer ‘misbehaviors’.  I would encourage you to read “Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelsen available in most libraries, bookstores, or by going to www.positivediscipline.com  

       I hope these suggestions are helpful.  Good luck to you.