Hard Headed or Intelligent Enough to do What Works?
Q: I have a 5-year-old-daughter. She is very out going and seems to act older than her age, as I've been told by other parents. Her downfall is that when she wants to do something, but someone (either I or another adult) has explained to her several times why she can't do that, she gets very disrespectful. She begins to yell until she starts to cry. I would even explain the situation to her in several different ways hoping that she would at least understand one of them. She wants to argue and not even listen to what I am trying to tell her. I really think she does, because days later she will come back and explain the whole situation to me, especially if it is the same thing that she wants to do. But as her Grandmother describes her, she is "bull-headed." Not "hard-headed" in not wanting to listen. She does listen and understand, I believe, she just doesn't care because bottom of the line is she still isn't going to get to do what she wants to do. A scenario: She wants me to play a game with her. I have a house chore to do. I'll explain to her that it will only take me just a few minutes, 15 at the max, and I'll be finished. Then I'll have more time to play her game and even to something else. I'll even suggest that she do another activity while I finish. There is always an excuse for everything. There is always a rebut no matter what. If I am trying to teach her something, such as 2+2=4, she will argue that it's 6. How do I stay calm and yet get her to understand?
A: As you already know, your daughter is very intelligent. Too often children are labeled as hard headed, when the truth is simply that they do what works. I think you may be like many parents who make mistakes because they are trying so hard to be a good parent. The two mistakes I would like to point out are:
1) Not letting your child have her feelings. By explaining over and over, you are trying to talk her out of what she wants instead of simply allowing her to have her feelings about being disappointed for not getting what she wants. Having a temper tantrum (yelling until she cries) is her way if expressing her disappointment. It is difficult for many parents to let children have their feelings. Instead they want to rescue them or talk them out of the feelings by too much explaining.
2) Talking too much, (based on the above reasons).
I have two suggestions:
1) Set up a scheduled special time with her. This could be 15 minutes every day at 7:00 p.m./>, or whatever works for you. This accomplishes many things. All children want and need a sense of belonging. When they dont believe they have belonging and significance, they often try to get it in mistaken ways. We call this the Four Mistaken Goals of Behavior. They are mistaken goals because children mistakenly think the best way to attain belonging is to seek undue attention, misguided power (which is my guess about what your daughter does), revenge, or giving up. Scheduled special time provides a clear message of belonging. Then, when you child wants something right now, you can say, Im busy now, but Im sure looking forward to our special time.
2) Say it once, and then shut your mouth. In other words, when you say, Not now, but in 15 minutes, dont argue or explain any further. Trying to explain to an intelligent child is like giving her ammunition to defeat you. She will always have a better argument. She will soon learn that her arguments dont work and will eventually stop. (Children usually stop doing what works. Parents usually keep doing what doesnt work and just question why it doesnt work.)
Some tips for increasing the success of suggestion No. 2:
1.Inform your daughter in advance about what you are going to do. Dont do this during a time of conflict. Wait until a pleasant time. It could go something like this (after you have set up a scheduled special time). Honey, I love you and want to have a good relationship with you. It doesnt feel good to me when we argue, so Im going to stop my part in that. I will be careful to avoid saying something to you unless I mean it. When I mean it I will say it only once. I know you wont always like what I say, and I will respect your feelings by not trying to talk you out of what you feel. I have faith in you that you can handle your feelings a deal with your disappointment.
2. After you have said, Im available in 15 minutes, be sure your following silence is done with an energy of dignity and respect -- (kindness and firmness at the same time). Show in your attitude (not words) that you say what you mean and mean what you say and that you respect her right to feel what she feels and that she can deal with it.
3. There is an exception to silence. It is okay to acknowledge her feelings: I can see you are disappointed, or, I know it is difficult to have to wait, or, I would probably be angry too. That is enough. Then have faith in her to handle her feelings no matter how she does it.
4. Sometimes it helps to have a non-verbal signal (such as patting your heart with your hand, an encouraging smile, a wink) to remind her that you love her even though you arent going to argue with her. If you are going to do this, set it up in advance.
When you have a plan you will be more confident. Your daughter will feel this and it will help her to trust you (and herself). Strengthening her disappointment muscles will be a good thing for your daughter and increase her confidence. It is much better to go through life knowing you can survive disappointment than to believe the world should always give you what you want.
