Fighting

Question:

I am a mom of 4 children.  Ages 11, 8, 4, 3.  It seems like all they do is fight about everything.  I am struggling to get back in control of them.  They yell and I know yelling is not a good practice, but I have to raise my voice to be heard.  I know I have blown it with poor parenting skills and I am really trying to change, but it feels like the more I try the worse it gets.  Then I loose my cool yell and send them to their rooms.  We have tried time out, loosing privileges, spanking (as last resort) when they fight or hit each other, but nothing seems to change.  I just don’t know what to do with them anymore.  Please help, I want to correct this before it’s too late. Jill

Answer:

Hi Jill,

I remember those days. Seeing my children fight was so upsetting to me. What I didn’t realize was how much I contributed to the fighting by getting involved in all the most ineffective ways – all the ways you are getting involved – yelling to be heard, punitive time-out, taking away privileges, spanking them. It was quite an “aha” when I realized how ridiculous it was to hit them to try teaching them not to hit each other. I really have been there. All of these “methods” are punitive. Positive Discipline teaches non-punitive methods. If you would like to know more about the basic philosophy of Positive Discipline go to http://www.posdis.org/page2.html#Positive and then click on the article, “What is PD.”

I too realized that I had very poor parenting skills – even though my highest goal was to be a good parent. I hear that goal in your cry for help. It is what motivated me to take the parenting class in college (based on the works of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs) that has inspired all of the Positive Discipline books.

It would take several chapters of a book to answer your question thoroughly, so I will give just a few suggestions and hope that you can find a copy of Positive Discipline and/or Positive Discipline A-Z so you can absorb the whole philosophy.

Oh my, how do I choose just a few points? Well here goes.

1.  It is difficult for most parents to believe that one of the main reasons children fight is to get you involved. Since this is true, one of the best ways to deal with fights is to stay out of them. (I know this is difficult, so more suggestions are coming.) I will tell you this. When I started telling my children, “I have faith in you to solve this problem,” (when they complained to me), their fights diminished greatly. Of course, it helped that we were also doing family meetings.

2.  Start having regular family meetings. (All of the Positive Discipline books have chapters on family meetings.) For one thing, the family meeting process teaches them problem-solving skills. Another great thing is that the family meeting agenda can serve as a “cooling off” place. When I couldn’t stand it to stay out of a fight, I might ask, “Which one of you would like to put this problem on our family meeting agenda?” Often this was enough to distract them from their and one would march over to the agenda to write it down. (If they fought over who got to write it on the agenda, I would tell them they could each write down their version.) The reason the agenda serves as a cooling off place is that we all wait until the next family meeting to solve the problem – at a time when tempers have cooled down.

3.  Another way to get involved, if you must, is to treat them the same. In other words, always avoid thinking you know who started it. Use the word, “Kids.”

          a. Kids, you can go outside until you are ready to stop fighting.

           b. Kids, you can go to separate “corners” until you are ready to come out “solving.” (If you use this one, it is important to do some pre-planning where you let kids know that fighters go to their corners to rest and regroup (not as a punitive time-out). The difference here between fighters and siblings is that we are family and we love each other. So we’ll go to our corners to regroup until we can come back to work on solutions instead of to continue fighting.

          c. Kids, which one of you wants to put this problem on the agenda?

          d. Kids, would it help you to go to your positive time out?

4. That last question brings us to time-out. I have written a whole book on why punitive time-out is ineffective, “Positive Time-Out and Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms”. Very briefly, instead of using time-out as a punishment, teach your children that taking time-out can be a valuable life skill. Let them each create a place that helps them feel better. (Punitive time-out is designed to make children feel bad – with the silly idea that children will do better if we make them feel bad. Children do better when they feel better. After they have created an area that helps them feel better (a soft cushion, a favorite chair, a corner where they can sit and read a book), you ask them, “Would it help if you went to your “special time-out places?” Notice you “ask” so it is their choice? If they say no, say, “Well, I think I’ll go to my special time-out place,” and then leave the room.

5. When the younger ones are involved in fights you might want to kindly and firmly separate them by saying, “You can play separately until you are ready to play gently.” Avoid lectures. Actions speak louder than words.

There are many other possibilities. I hope this is enough to get you started.

Parenting can be a lonely place, but you are not alone. Many if not most parents are challenged by their children. If at all possible I recommend finding an Adlerian based parenting class where you can both learn some new tools and really understand that you are missing some effective parenting tools, but "you" are not the problem.  Adlerian based classes include: Positive Discipline, STEP (Systematic Teaching for Effective Parenting), Redirecting Children's Misbehavior, and Active Parenting.  If there are no local groups, you could form a small book study group of your own. My book, Positive Discipline has a set of questions at the end of each chapter for a book discussion group that is directed toward learning more effective tools together. My best to you. Jane Nelsen