Disrespectful Away from Home

Question:

I am at my wit’s end. I have a 7-year-old daughter who will once in a while, throw these major “fits” or “tantrums” where she becomes almost uncontrollable.  These outbursts will almost always occur when she is in my mother’s care versus under our care.  I don’t think my mother is too soft with her, although I know she spoils my daughter.  However, my mother does discipline her when it is necessary.  When my daughter is having one of these outbursts, she will hit my mother or raise her fists up in fighting position as if daring my mother to do something, she will yell and throw things, and call my mother names such as “idiot” or “loser”.  I have never been witness to the most extreme occurrences, but my daughter has admitted them to me when questioned later.

I am dumbfounded by her behavior during these tirades.  My daughter is usually a happy girl, although she can be a bit of a perfectionist and gets extremely frustrated when she is unable to do something to her satisfaction, even if she’s attempting to do it for the very first time.  But she is usually very sweet and respectful given minor instances here and there where she is sassy, which I consider normal behavior for a girl her age.  But when she flies into these “fits”, I cannot understand where this behavior is coming from.

What is the best way to put an end to this type of behavior?  We have tried time-out’s, taken away privileges (TV time, family outings, toys, etc.) and unfortunately have even resorted to yelling at her when we have reached our limits.  I have always talked to her about her behavior calmly after each incident but this doesn’t seem to be helping.  I thought that her friends may also have something to do with her behavior but to me it doesn’t really matter, I always tell her that she is responsible for her own behavior.  I want her to have enough self esteem to always (or almost always, at least) choose the right path instead of always taking the most popular path.  So regardless of how her friends may behave, I’m starting to think that this behavior is coming from within her…and that scares me.  Please, please…tell me what I can do to help curb this type of behavior by my daughter.

Thank you so much for any guidance you can share. Wendy

Answer:

It is bad enough when our children misbehave at home, but very embarrassing when they misbehave with others. I really don’t think her behavior is anything to be “scared” about, but it can provide an excellent opportunity for both of your to learn. In Positive Discipline we talk a lot about “mistakes as wonderful opportunities to learn”.

I’m going to give you several suggestions that may not seem directly related – even though they are. First I want to share with you the Four Criteria for Effective Discipline

     1.  Does it help children feel a sense of connection? (Belonging and Significance)
     2.  Is it respectful and encouraging? (Kind and firm at the same time)
     3.  Is it effective long-term? (Punishment works short term, but has negative long-term results.)
     4.  Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, cooperation)

Regarding No. 1: Children misbehave when they have a “mistaken” way of how to find belonging and significance. Punishment only increases a sense of not belonging and thus creates a viscous cycle. This is one reason why Positive Discipline does not advocate punishment of any kind. The Four Mistaken Goals (discussed thoroughly in the Positive Discipline books) are 1) Undue Attention, 2) Misguided Power, 3) Revenge, 4) Assumed Inadequacy. I can’t tell if your daughter is coming from the mistaken belief that she can find belonging through revenge (because her behavior seems hurtful) or through misguided power (trying to find belonging through being in charge). Only you can know – depending on how her behavior makes you feel.  If feel hurt, disappointed, disgusted, or disbelieving (which is what it seems from your letter), chances are that her mistaken goal is revenge for some perceived hurt to her. If you feel challenged, threatened, or defeated, chances are that her mistaken goal is misguided power. Understanding the mistaken goal can be helpful in knowing how to “redirect” the misbehavior. (More about that when I give specific suggestions.)

Regarding No. 2:  Many people think the only alternative to lack of punishment is permissiveness. Permissiveness is not respectful to children or adults. And it does not teach children valuable social and life skills for good character. In fact, permissiveness (usually done in the name of love) is more likely to teach children, “Life owes me a living,” or, “Love means getting others to take care of me. I hope your mother is open to hearing this, but remember that you can’t change others. Being both kind and firm is respectful to the “needs of the situation” and to both child and parent. And it works to help children redirect their behavior.

Regarding No. 3:  Punishment might be effective short-term in that it usually stops the misbehavior. Positive Discipline is effective long term because it teaches No. 4.

Regarding No. 4: Parents would be so much more successful it they understood what doesnÂ’t work and then to develop the skills that do work to help children develop social and life skills for good character. It is interesting that children only do what works. Parents keep doing what doesnÂ’t work. Punishment, lectures, blame, shame do not work to help children develop social and life skills for good character. Positive Discipline methods do.

Above I mentioned that parents often keep doing what doesn’t work – even though they feel terrible after doing it. Most parents do not feel good about meting out punishments. They don’t feel good about blaming and shaming (even though they hope it will motivate changed behavior – which it seldom does). They feel very frustrated because their lectures seem to go “in one ear and out the other”. On the other hand they feel much better when they have been lovingly firm while implementing a parenting tool that really helps them and their children do better.

Most people don’t think of discipline as helping children feel a sense of belonging and  being both kind and firm. Too many don’t consider the long-term effects of their discipline methods. They don’t realize that discipline can do all of this while teaching children valuable social and life skills. And, of course, they feel great when they accomplish all of this.

So, what can you do that will meet all the criteria for effective discipline and redirect your daughter to be more respectful?

1.  Start having weekly family meetings. Have an agenda on the refrigerator. Whenever there is a problem ask your daughter if she would like to add it to the agenda or if she would like you to. Putting a problem on the agenda serves as a cooling off period. This is very important because it is useless to try solving a problem when everyone is upset – which is the time most parents try. Start your family meetings with compliments. This gives you all a chance to look for and verbalize about good things. Successful people are “good finders.” Then give everyone a chance to share a mistake they made during the week – and what they learned from it. This creates an atmosphere of learning from mistakes rather than trying to hide them or feeling inadequate because of them. Next, brainstorm for solutions to solve the problem. Use the guidelines that the solution must be respectful and helpful to everyone concerned. Can you imagine what a valuable social and life skill this will be for you daughter in her future work, friendships, and marriage? And, you might be surprised at how much this affects her behavior in all walks of life when she gets lots of practice at looking for the good, learning to verbalize compliments, learning that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn, and focusing on solutions instead of blame.

2. The other tool I would like to teach you is to stop telling and start asking curiosity questions. Too many parents tell children what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it.  These lectures serve only to help children feel inadequate, unloved, stupid and lacking in a sense of belonging and significance – which usually leads to a child becoming an “approval junkie” or rebellious and revengeful. (It hurts to feel inadequate and lacking in belonging.) It is much more effective to follow the true meaning of education, which comes from the root educarẻ, which means to “draw forth”. Too many parents try to “stuff in” and just get frustrated when it doesnÂ’t work. Drawing forth helps a child explore the consequences of his or her behavior instead of imposing a consequence on the child. Tone of voice is extremely important. They are called curiosity questions because it is very important to be truly curious. It will not be effective if your tone of voice conveys any blame, shame, disgust, annoyance – or any other negative emotion. Keeping that it mind, it might look something like this:

   Honey, when you are disrespectful to your grandmother, I wonder what is going on for you? What is it you are trying to accomplish?
   How does it work? What results to you get?
   How do you feel when this happens? How do you think your grandma feels?
   What can you learn from this incident?
   What ideas do you have to solve the problem?

At first your daughter may not trust that you are truly curious and truly on her side. If you feel any resistance, simple say, “Honey, I have faith it you to learn from this situation and to come up with a solution that is respectful to everyone.” Then have faith. She will feel it, and it will make a huge difference.

These are just a few of the many non-punitive tools you will find in any of the Positive Discipline books. I hope they are helpful. My best to you. Jane Nelsen