DESPERATE WITH FUSSY BABY Question: I am really desperate...I hope you can answer this e-mail.... I have been blessed with a healthy boy. He is 9 wks old and he has already been classified as a "fussy baby". Since he was born he has not slept more than 45 minutes continuously. He cries a lot, and I understand that he must be overtired. The good thing is that he sleeps like an angel at night. It seems like he does not how to relax during the day. I have tried everything, holding him a lot, using a baby carrier a lot, wrapping, sushing, singing, noise, movement...But now he is doing worse. I hold him to sleep and 10-20 min. after a put him down on the crib he starts crying. I have another son, I have to cook, clean do laundry...so it is getting really hard for me to do things. So, everybody says that you should wait until he is 3 months old in order to start helping him to sleep by using the crying down technique. But I am just getting a little bit crazy and everybody at home is unhappy including him. Is it too soon to start the crying down??? Should I just try to help him stay at least one sleeping cycle o do it all the way by putting him awake in the crib??? I am so looking forward to hearing from you!!!! Marijanne Dear Mom, My name is Jody McVittie. I am one of the team of Positive Discipline Associates who answer questions for the website. I am also a family physician and a parent of 3 teens. Two of my children also had a very difficult time finding peace during the first months of life so I can relate to your struggles. It is exhausting! I am going to give you some suggestions about things that you can do for your child, but I also recommend that you speak to your own family doctor or pediatrician about the problem. I have to presume for this answer that your child’s growth, and development are essentially normal. While that is likely, your babyÂ’s doctor will be able to help you be sure that is the case. With that precaution in mind, here are some ideas: 1. “Fussiness,” even in the extreme can be very normal during this stage of life. Remember that when your baby was inside he slept and woke in regular cycles that had nothing to do with day and night. The fact that he “sleeps like an angel” at night now means that he is adapting to light and dark cycles and moved most of his sleeping to the night. Many babyÂ’sÂ’ bodies donÂ’t make this accommodation until quite a bit later (4 – 6 months or even later). Consider yourself fortunate. What his body hasnÂ’t figured out (and this is not a conscious process!) is how to easily enter and stay in a sleep cycle during the day. This is not an uncommon problem. 2. One of the tools that can help babies with this sleep transition process is keeping as regular a schedule as possible. You can do an experiment. Pay attention to what times he seems to “tend” toward a sleep cycle and then develop a “routine” that seems to fit his pattern. Write it down. So it might look like: Up at 7:30, eat 7:40, diaper change 8:00, nap at 9:30, up at 10:15 etc. Then make an agreement with yourself and the family to give up some freedom for a period of about 2 weeks and let the routine rule. DonÂ’t wake him up if he oversleeps his own schedule, but try to keep to the same rhythm. Write down what happens every day and when he has a great day, try to shift the routine in that direction. Be aware that most babies will de-compensate the next day if they have “overdone it” (like been out too much, had too many visitors, missed a nap etc) the day before. 3. Some babies who respond this way are very sensitive to the environment. That may be the case with your baby, though his ability to sleep through the night is a little uncharacteristic. The part of your description that is characteristic is how heÂ’ll sleep for a tiny bit and wake up just as upset as he was to begin with. The theory is that these babies (who become lovely children and adults) get over stimulated and find a non-restful sleep when they are so overwhelmed when they canÂ’t do anything else. Then they wake up again and start all over again. Parents will report that the only way to “get the baby to sleep” is to carry them or bounce them. Babies like this find longer periods of sleep when the stimulation is decreased, not increased. Help the sleep transition by being in a dark room and use only one other minimal stimulation. For example holding your baby and rocking in a dark room might work, but donÂ’t sing or move suddenly. Or sing to your baby while he is already laying down but donÂ’t rub him or talk too. And be patient. Very patient. DonÂ’t panic about the crying, but donÂ’t leave him to cry alone either. (Even 3 months is way too early for that.) Just be calmly present with him. If you need to say or “do” something, tell him you love him or tell him how hard it is that you donÂ’t know how to help him feel better because you love him so much. He wonÂ’t understand your words, but will feel your energy – and voicing this will help you. 4. You can certainly put him down when he is awake. If he fusses a bit in his transition to sleep that is also normal. If he starts to really cry or scream, it is not appropriate to just leave him unattended. You might calm yourself and go in to his darkened room and just gently lay your hand on his body, or stand next to him and sing a quiet song. You could also pick him up (keep the stimulation down) and try again a little later. 5. Since he is so good at going to sleep at night make sure that daytime sleep is in a darkened place whenever possible. That will help his pineal gland help him get into “sleep mode.” 6. Some babies are fussy because of food allergies. You donÂ’t say whether you are nursing or bottle feeding. If you are nursing you might try an elimination diet. Your doctor can tell you more about this, but essentially you take things out of your diet that your baby might be reactive to. You might start by eliminating milk and milk products (cheese, yogurt, ice cream, etc.) for 3 days to a week and see what happens. If you are bottle feeding you might try switching to a soy formula (or if he is on soy, to a low allergen formula, or even to a milk formula) for a week. If there is no change after a week, you can put that food back into your diet. Other foods that have the reputation for being problematic are peanuts, onions, and some fruits like citrus and strawberries. 7. Most importantly take care of yourself! Many communities have early parenting support groups, which in addition to offering moral support, help each other out in situations like this. Call on relatives, neighbors, church members and friends to come help you either by giving you time to yourself, by playing with your older son, or by being with the baby for an hour or two several times a week. Nine weeks after delivery your body is going through significant hormonal changes. Remember that you need to be taken care of too! It is more than OK to ask for help. It is important. Even though you feel vulnerable, when you ask for help, you are gifting other people the opportunity to serve, to make a difference to help another human being. 8. Lastly, hold on to the thought that this will not last forever. When your son is 13 this extremely difficult period will be very faint in your memory. Only mothers of fussy babies understand how totally emotionally draining and exhausting it is to love your baby and feel so unsuccessful at helping him (and you!) find some semblance of peace in the day. Your growing ability to take care of yourself and be calm with him and his brother may actually be a source of strength for you in the future Best wishes to you, Jody McVittie, M.D.