Why does my child do this????

Melanie R. Miller, M.Ed.
Parent Educator
Certified School Counselor

Do you ever find yourself completely baffled and perhaps a bit frustrated by your child’s behavior?   Do you ever wonder why do kids do the things they do?

Children are social beings.  They are constantly trying to figure out how they can belong and find significance in a group.  A child might become the “responsible” one in the family.  By getting good grades, helping at home and taking on leadership roles at school, they find belonging and significance in their family and with their peers.  Another child may be the “class clown” at school.  Keeping others laughing and smiling may give him or her a unique and special place in his or her class.

So why does a child misbehave?  You might think that misbehavior alienates the child from their family, classroom or friends.  But, not necessarily. Children are always sizing up social situations and figuring out where they belong and how they can feel significant or important.  You may have a child who just can’t seem to do anything right….can’t tie her shoes, can’t get her homework organized, can’t seem to ever find her jacket…Can you hear the whining that goes with it???  And as the parent, you get tired of the whining, so you step in and tie her shoes, organize her home work and always seem to know where her coat is!  Think about what the child just gained….Mom or dad staying busy, attending to her needs.  She is getting a little special attention and keeping you busy with her needs…she is now significant!    She isn’t consciously aware that she is keeping you busy, but she sure loves the extra time and attention from you!....even if that attention is sometimes negative. 

I often have to remind myself that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child.  The child who can’t seem to do anything and is keeping me busy, may just need a little encouragement.    Encouragement can look like…..

*Asking the child,  “What do you need to do to get your homework organized?  Such a question empowers the child and puts the responsibility back into their hands. 

*Giving a hug and saying “I have faith in you that you can tie your own shoes!”.    

*“I’ve noticed that you often misplace your coat, can we work together on a solution so that when it’s time to go, you can quickly find your coat?

Next time you’re feeling discouraged with your child’s behavior, try a little encouragement.  Encouragement can dig a child out of discouragement and misbehavior….It will probably help you feel a bit better too!

Information for this article is from the teachings of Positive Discipline where you will find other “mistaken goals of behavior” that explain why children do what they do.