Positive Discipline Toolbox - by Adrian Garsia

Seashells

My daughter was hunched forward in the front seat of the van. My son was in the back seat pushing his feet against his sisters backrest and shaking the seat. Both kids have been fighting with each other lately and I was struggling to think of what to do. So I told them that I wasnt going to drive until the fighting stopped. That left us sitting in the bank parking lot with both kids still fighting and annoyed with me for stranding them together on an errand.

Moments like this test my patience and resolve. I had followed the idea that when kids argue one should put them in the same boat. I had also decided that I would not drive until the fighting stopped. Instead of yelling or trying to resolve their conflict I stated matter of factly that I couldnt drive safely with them fighting and that I would wait.

Waiting is difficult for me. Trusting that all three of us can move through difficult moments and emerge calmly by cooling off is hard because a little voice in my head keeps telling me that I should be in control. I watched people as they passed by the van imagining that they were wondering why we were just sitting in the car. Why the father was just sitting there as the kids yelled at each other without doing anything. Of course I was doing something, I was doing my best not to get involved and it didnt appear to be helping. My son was continuing to poke at his sister who was imploring me to do something or at least drive her home.

I considered the possible threats I could make to end the arguing immediately and then I thought about Jane Nelsen saying that we need to consider the long term consequences of punishment. If I took away television and computer time for a week, what would they learn? To obey me or pay the price? What I really wanted them to learn was how to stop fighting. How could I help them learn this?

That was when I spotted the box of seashells on the console. I opened the box and began looking at them. Looking at the wonderful spiraling shapes and colors changed my mood entirely. Take a look at this shell I said holding a turban snail shell out to my son. His frown melted, he took the shell and looked at it with interest. Look at this one, I said holding a spotted shell out to my daughter, who sullenly refused it. But my son got out of his seat and came over to the box and began exploring the shells himself. Soon he too was holding shells out to his sister. My daughter continued to refuse the shells, but I noticed my son had let go of his anger.

When my daughter whined When can we go, I turned to my son and asked him if there was anything he could do to help his sister feel better. He got into his seat, buckled in and quietly waited. My daughter, finally feeling she could sit in the back seat without harassment, went back to the back seat, buckled in and waited while I buckled in. We drove home without further argument.

I most often get stuck when I feel I must do something to make fighting stop. Either I feel that I am being negligent if I dont intervene or I am just unable to put up with it. But how will my kids learn to get along with me playing referee? I am learning to practice the art of changing my own mood and waiting gracefully. The wonderful thing is when I do this, situations feel like they solve themselves and I dont have the angst I do when I play referee.

What things can you keep with you in the car that would help restore your calmness and sense of wonder? How does your mood affect the situations you find yourself in?

(Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed. D. 201-205)