The Meaning of Life

By January Handl, Director of Education

Mulberry/> School/>/> in San Jose/>/> (future Positive Discipline demo school)

                What separates us from computers and adding machines and encyclopedias is that we are uniquely equipped with brains that not only take in data, receive stimuli, perceive input, but also are hardwired in our very circuitry to make meaning of those incoming bits of information. We add value, weight and importance, we compare and contrast with previous experience, we DECIDE what it all means.

                It is probably our biggest burden and most wondrous bounty. It is not the event or situation that occurs that moves us to emotion or action; it is what we think it means to us.

                Your child is at a developmental stage where they are still “raw” in their perceptions. Limited in experience, they often look to you to give meaning to daily occurrences. They aren’t even close to understanding that the shared “facts” of a happening are being given different meanings, in all the varied and subtle nuances of each participant or observer. They are in their egocentric bubble (as many adults remain) of seeing the world through their own eyes only- solidly sure that this is “the way it is”.

                When, as parents, we learn to understand deeply that often our only control lies in our response to the world, not what the world presents us; it is a freeing and empowering thing. We no longer have to take personally the hardships and challenges life and relationship present us- WE are the “framers” of the situations- we have the power to decide what things mean to us. As we explore who we are and do the self- reflection that parenting can provide on a daily basis, and as we examine our beliefs and learn to take on the view of another, we are able to broaden our approaches to the complex tasks and opportunities that family dynamics and social structures present.

                As an example, I can decide that my child’s defiance is an attack on my authority or a natural push toward finding boundaries. I can decide that throwing sand is aggression or seeking connection. I can see tears as a provocation or a cry for help. The actions remain the same, but now my response will be totally different because of how I chose to view them. When you leave your child at school, they can view you as abandoning them to get away for an uncertain time, or they can view it as you leaving them in a safe and loving place until your swift return. A lot of this depends on how you present the meaning of the situation to your child. There are many tiny communications we do non-verbally that help us decipher the coded meaning in any situation. Paradoxically, we may want to transfer our own meaning to the child, in helpfulness and caring, yet the child and any individual always holds the ultimate control of this part of life.

                Helping your child begin to see that the “self-talk” and choice involved effect how they experience any situation is giving them back the power we so often mistakenly take on. Beginning to observe the tendencies and temperament of yourself (are you a “the glass is half- empty or half-full” person?), what your “automatic” responses are, what conclusions the little voices and patterns in your head often lead you to, and what strategies are most helpful for you in making conscious choices in your assignment of meaning, is the beginning of modeling this decision of taking back control that events often take from us.

                Learning to communicate and check out assumptions of meaning and negotiating shared meanings are the foundations to long lasting, rewarding relationships where we can experience intimacy, without insisting on carbon copies of response. Our humanness has so much potential for great discoveries and giant love- and it is only through honored uniqueness and positive connection that we can possibly reach it…At least that’s the meaning I give it!