Roots and Wings, not Loot and Things
By Mike Brock

 
I'll never forget that day in April that Sarah visited me in my principal's
office. Sarah was about 30 years old, divorced, and the mother of 5-year-old
Ryan. For 45 minutes, she visited with me about Ryan and about the four
schools that he had been "withdrawn from" so far this year. She cried, she
blamed, she complained, she despaired. Mostly she cried.
          Sarah had been to every daycare center in town, she told me. She'd
been to the big chain centers-Le Petite Children's World Academy for Little
People, Inc. She'd been to state-run centers and church-run centers and
private centers in people's homes. Each had previously "withdrawn" Ryan, was
linked with another center that had "withdrawn" him, had somehow heard about
him, or just didn't want him. Ryan would have to stay with a friend for a
while, but the way things were going, Sarah would be less one friend real
soon.
          Sarah told me that the problem is that the day care centers can't
deal with Ryan the way she deals with him. They can't spank him like she
does and they can't take away his toys and video games and computer and TV
and every conceivable thing that has been purchased for Ryan by mom, ex-dad
(actually, ex-dads), and several grandparents and step-grandparents, all in
an effort to win his love, or win more of his love than the other spouse or
grandparent. Roots and wings, I wanted to tell her, not loot and things.
          Sarah wanted to know if Ryan would work out at my school. And I
wanted to share with Sarah the Positive Discipline story. But Sarah was
overwhelmed so I just listened. She could see the handwriting on the wall
and it read: Things are just not working out. Her friend the temporary
daycare provider was about ready to give up on Ryan., and Sarah didn't know
where to go next. And I thought to myself: Thank God we don't have a
preschool here. The earliest we could work with Ryan would be in August in
our kindergarten program. No, I'm not proud of myself for thinking that but
it's true. It was April, "the cruelest month" as the poet says, and we were
tired. Besides, we had plenty of Ryans to keep us busy for the next several
weeks. But, no, I wasn't proud of myself.
          I listened, I empathized, and I passed the Kleenex. I asked for
the names of Ryan's past counselors and daycare providers. I promised to
call them and then get back to her with whatever help I could offer.
But I thought I had a good sense of what Sarah needed. She needed a new
approach to dealing with Ryan. I don't believe that Ryan came into this
world self-absorbed, narcissistic, and aggressive. I have little doubt that
the parenting style of Sarah and her exes had a lot to do with his current
difficulties. Sarah needed some new tools besides spanking and withdrawing
toys and privileges. She needed Positive Discipline.
          So I made the calls, listened to the counselors and day care
providers, visited again with Sarah, and made some recommendations based
upon what I had learned. Included among those recommendations was attendance
at a parenting class I was facilitating. She told me, as I had expected,
that she couldn't attend the parenting class because she couldn't find
anyone to sit with Ryan. I had no answer for that.
          It's been four years since that exchange with Sarah. I've made no
effort to contact her since and, yes, that's another thing I'm not proud of.
I hope she's doing OK. And I hope she found a place for Ryan. He deserves
it.
          

Mike Brock's Presentations and Seminars
[email protected]

2004
Leadership through Positive Communication and The Almost Perfect Faculty
Meeting, NCEA Principals' Forum, Savannah, GA, Nov. 10-12
Dealing with the Lying Issue, St. Michael and All Angels Episcopal Church,
Dallas, December 5
Positive Discipline in the Christian Home (7-week series), St. Monica
Church, November 30-January 25 (Tuesday mornings)

2005
School-Smart Parenting: Raising Children for Success and Happiness in
School, St. Michael and All Angels Episcopal Church, Dallas, January 9 and
16
Positive Discipline in the Christian Home, Our Lady of Angels Church, Plano,
TX, January 21
Positive Discipline in the Christian Home (7-week series), St. Monica
Church, February 1-March 15 (Tuesday mornings)
School-Smart Parenting: Raising Children for Success and Happiness in
School, Texas PTA Conference, Galveston, February 19
Positive Discipline in the Christian Home (7-week series), St. Monica
Church, March 29-May 10 (Tuesday mornings)
Positive Discipline in the Classroom, Imogene Gideon Elementary School,
Arlington, TX, April 5
School-Smart Parenting: Raising Children for Success and Happiness in
School, Mental Health Association Adolescent Symposium, April 14
Positive Discipline in the Christian Home, Presbyterian Men's Conference,
Hunt, TX, April 30
Positive Discipline in the Classroom (open workshop), Dallas, July 28 and 29


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