The Mistake of Dealing with a Conflict at the Time of Conflict
by Jane Nelsen

       Have you noticed that parents want children to control their behavior even though parents have trouble controlling their own? Do you want children to “think before they act”, but don’t think before you act? 
       Most parents think, “I have to do something right now, or I’m not doing my job and I’m letting my child get away with something.”  Conflict is the worst time to try solving the conflict. Everyone is irrational and no one can listen. Wait for some cooling down time, and then follow up when everyone can access their rational brains and cooperate to find mutually respectful solutions. 
       One way to do this is through “Positive Time Out.” Positive is the operative word. Time out is not effective when it is used as punishment, but is very effective to teach the skill of calming down until the rational brain can be accessed. 
       The first step is for you to take some time out when you are upset. You might say, “I’m too angry to deal with this right now. I’ll wait until I feel better, and then I’ll get back to you.” 
       Once you have modeled the idea of positive time out, you can teach it to your children. Help them create a place that will help them calm down. It might be a spot with cushions, stuffed animals, books, soft music. Then let them name this spot something other than time out (because time out has too many negative connotations). They might like, “my happy place”, or my “cooling off place.” Let them be creative. Also help them understand that going to their “place” is never to be thought of as punishment; rather it is a place to help them feel better so they can “do” better. Once they feel better, you can get together and discuss problems in a respectful manner – focusing on solutions.