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Ten Year Old Perfectionist
Question:
Our 10 year old son is a perfectionist in some areas and at
times hits his head or arm in self-anger. We talk about
hitting the bed or a pillow but not his body.
We have family meetings, on an as needed basis, which has been
less frequently now that our kids are 7 and 10. He says he is
fat, he's not. Tonight he leaned back on his pillows in bed
and accidentally hit his head on the headboard and this
brought on tears and he said he is a fat slob that can't do
anything right. I try to just say that he isn't that, that we
all do things that bother us etc. It really bothers me to see
him be so hard on himself. He is very bright and I welcome
suggest to dealing with his negative self-talk and occasional
( about 3 times per week) hitting his forehead or arm( with
the TV remote. SL
Answer:
Hi. My name is Kelly Pfeiffer and I teach Positive Discipline
classes, am a mother to two children ages 11 and 8, and I help
answer questions for the Positive Discipline website. I have
some suggestions for your family in helping your 10 year old
son.
1. I dont know which Positive Discipline books you have read,
but there is a chapter on birth order in the book Positive
Discipline. Many first born children tend to be
perfectionists and have high expectations of themselves. This
usually helps them to be high achievers and to work hard, but
it can also cause them to have difficulty in accepting their
imperfections.
2. One of the best ways parents can help their children with
imperfection is to be role models of imperfection themselves.
Notice how adults in your home react when they make a mistake.
Many parents today were raised to hide their own mistakes and
imperfections. I learned with my own children that it was
helpful for them if I let them see my imperfections and
discussed my mistakes. For a while, I started pointing out my
own mistakes to my children and I briefly commented on my
feelings about them. When I spilled something in the kitchen
while cooking, I would simply say, Whoops! I spilled the
milk and I would calmly clean it up. Once when I made a
mathematical error in my check book, I explained to my
children why I needed help from them to get in the car right
away so I could drive to the bank to fix my mistake by
depositing money into my account. One thing that my kids
especially enjoy is hearing stories from my childhood about
mistakes I made while growing up.
When parents talk about mistakes in a casual way, it opens the
door for communication about mistakes among family members and
can help encourage children to believe that everyone makes
mistakes. Once I discussed a silly thought to my family to see
what they thought. I asked, Who would feel comfortable going
in the out door in a store that had a specific in door and
out door? My oldest child said he didnt even know if he
could ever do such a thing. We had a fun family discussion
about why it would bother some of us more than others. The
conversation moved on to talking about rules and which rules
are really important rules and laws and which rules are
really guidelines and suggestions. My oldest son was 9 or 10
when we had that discussion. He is now 11 years old and I
asked him about it again today and he said that it really
wouldnt bother him much anymore if he went in the out door.
Some stages in a childs development cause them to evaluate
themselves in different ways and your son may be responding to
a developmental issue.
3. Another way that parents can help perfectionist children is
to be calm when the child makes mistakes. Some children have
developed the belief that mistakes are bad and should be
avoided. Find ways to convey to your son that his mistakes are
okay with you, that you expect him to make mistakes in his
life and that you love him no matter how many mistakes he
makes.
4. Talk to your son about self-calming skills. When both of
you are in a calm mood, talk to him about self-calming skills
and ask him to start thinking about things he could do to help
himself calm down. Give him some time to think about it and
make an appointment with him to talk about it again. At the
appointment, work with him to make a list of things he can do
when he is frustrated things that will help him calm down.
Ask him if hed like to put the list in a place where he can
refer to it when hes frustrated to remind himself of some
ways he can calm down. Suggest that he practice a few times on
his own when hes NOT frustrated so he will have a plan for
what to do when hes frustrated. Share with him about your own
self-calming skills and challenges. Assure him that we arent
born knowing all of the self calming skills that we want to
learn and that everyone gets angry and frustrated and that
self calming skills can be learned through practice. Here is
another opportunity to communicate to him that you know that
he will make mistakes while learning self-calming skills and
that the mistakes are okay and are part of the process of
learning a new skill.
5. Use reflective listening when he puts himself down. When he
makes a statement, reflect back to him what he is saying. An
easy formula for reflective listening is You feel _________
because _________. For example, You feel really clumsy
because you hit your head on the bed, or simply, You feel
fat? When parents use reflective listening, children feel
heard and it can help the child open up and talk about their
real feelings and insecurities.
6. I encourage you to schedule a regular family meeting each
week. When you do them on an is need basis children dont
have the time to practice compliments and problem-solving
skills on a daily basis. I struggle with this issue of
scheduling family meetings myself, as we are a busy family
with two children. But when we make time to have a family
meeting our whole week seems to go better.
7. If family chores are not a part of your routine, I
encourage you to start training your children on small tasks
around the house and using family meetings to decide on the
chore schedule. If you son feels like a more capable person by
learning new self-reliance skills, he will feel better about
himself in general.
I would like to share with you some comments from Dr. Jody
McVittie, another Certified Positive Discipline Associate and
member of the answer panel.
This question reminded me of my own experience in parenting
class the first time. My oldest (7) was also a
perfectionist...so our first homework assignment I took
seriously. Our teacher made "mistakes are opportunities to
learn" one of the first points of the class. We also talked
about giving kids more responsibility. So the first homework
assignment was to go out and buy a kid size pitcher for milk
at the table so that they could pour their own. The second
piece was to use the pitcher at the table the first night and
pour some milk NEXT to the pitcher and say, "Oh! I poured the
milk on the table! Am I a mistake or did I make a mistake?" Of
course my kids laughed and said "You are a mistake!"....but we
had a short discussion (as instructed to by our parenting
instructor) about how when we make a mistake, it is just a
mistake not WHO we are. And that we can "clean up" our
mistakes. The THIRD part of the assignment was to ANNOUNCE
every mistake we made. When we goofed (as parents) we were to
say "Oh! I made a mistake, but I'm OK." All day long,
everyday. We weren't supposed to make mistakes on purpose, but
just to be clear about when it happened and to be more obvious
about how we took care of the mistake. It took me (also an
oldest child) 3 weeks to be able to do that easily and without
tears in my eyes.
I wish you and your family the best.
Sincerely,
Kelly Pfeiffer
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