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Dear Elizabeth,
My name is Jody McVittie and I am part of the team that answers questions
for the website. I am also a family physician, a parent of 3 teens. I
teach teams of teachers effective tools for Positive Discipline in the
Classroom. Your challenges are not unique, but probably a bit more intense
than most teachers deal with because your students have less than average
skills in navigating through life in socially useful ways. This answer
will not be a “cure all”…but I hope it sends you in a direction that is
helpful.
I can’t tell from your letter how familiar you are with Positive
Discipline. If you are not very familiar, I recommend you get the book
“Positive Discipline in the Classroom,” 3rd edition. The book spells out
the steps to take with your class to begin to grow a community of
cooperation instead of community built on your power…which for teens
especially will result in lots of disruptive and defiant behavior and
gradually to escalating revenge cycles. (You are discovering that the hard
way.) You may be able to find the book at the library or your school may
have a copy in its staff library (or you could request that they get it.)
The first step is to stop the revenge cycle. This is your job…and it is
not an easy one. But start noticing when you feel hurt. That is your clue
that the students (at least one student anyway) is also feeling hurt. When
your property is damaged…someone is feeling hurt. You may or may not be
the cause of the hurt. (It could just as easily be a peer, a family member
or another teacher – often students feel hurt when they sense of lack of
belonging and significance.) But when you feel hurt, don’t react by
withdrawing or “teaching a lesson.” Instead aim toward problem solving.
You know your classroom better than anyone else, so you will know how to
do this, but the essential message is: I have a problem and I need your
help solving it. How are we going to fix this? Remember that your students
are not very skilled at this kind of activity so you may need to
brainstorm together over a few days--little bits at a time. You could
begin by reframing your action of removing the furniture. You could tell
the kids that it wasn’t safe in the room for the furniture. So they (the
pieces of furniture) took a time out to feel better. Invite the class to
brainstorm ideas on how to make the classroom safe for the furniture
again. When that problem is solved, you can begin to work on making the
class safe for everyone.
Begin to work toward working with your kids instead of trying to control
their behavior by some form of “consequence” (punishment). But, before you
change direction with a group of seventh graders, it is very important to
get buy in. This is not about “convincing” them that what you will do is
right, but it is about deeply listening to what is going on for them.
There is an activity in Positive Discipline in the Classroom that works
very well. Basically it is a way to talk to students about power in a way
that allows them to notice how they feel when someone is using power to
control them, how they use power to control others, and then an invitation
to share power in a mutually respectful way. 7th graders can really relate
to this discussion. It is an opening to begin an environment of
cooperation. From there you can take steps toward beginning class
meetings.
Another activity that might begin to create an atmosphere of cooperation
is “Beginning the Almost Perfect School Year.” In this activity the
students work together in groups to develop their own guidelines for
creating a classroom that works well for them. The guidelines that they
choose then get posted on the wall and would be used instead of the
“contract” that you created and they signed. Interestingly, students
really do want the same things that adults want, but they also want the
power to choose those things instead of being “told” how they are to
behave. (We adults are like that too aren’t we? We like to have some say
and resent being told what to do.)
It might be helpful as you shift direction to remember a few sayings: “I’m
looking for improvement, not perfection,” and, “Even tiny steps in the
right direction bring me closer to my goal.” Work on seeing the students
for their strengths and not their challenges. Use their strengths in
creative ways that are also useful to the students. The most important
thing is your attitude. Having faith that the kids can be respectful and
work together well…and what is missing is not about who they are, but
skills they have not been successful learning (yet).
Your students are fortunate to have a teacher who is self aware enough to
realize that “blowing up” and lecturing are not going to get you or your
students where you want to go….and to be willing to ask for help. So, take
care of yourself along the way. If you want more support and more tools
for implementing Positive Discipline (discipline that teaches using
kindness and firmness at the same time) I would encourage you to think
about taking a 2 day workshop on Positive Discipline in the Classroom. One
of our associates also does coaching if that would be helpful. Information
on workshops and coaching is available on the website:
www.posdis.org
Best wishes,
Jody McVittie
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