Bossiness

Question:

Hello,

I have a 2 and a ½ year old son. He goes to an in-home daycare 2-3 days a week. The daycare provider also has her children in the group. Since my son, Jay, has been becoming more verbal, he has been bringing home behavior modeled after his daycare provider and the way she treats her own children. For example, when he’s frustrated with me, he’ll start counting and then yell “Go to your room!” My husband and I have never sent him to his room, or even into a time-out (Positive Discipline, The Early Years was one of the first parenting books I ever read). When he says things like this (or yells) I says, “I don’t like it when you talk to me like that”, or “we don’t talk that way to one another in this family.” Should I be saying more? It is disturbing to me because I never yell at him. (My husband sometimes yells.) I have been considering looking for other daycare because of some of the things I don’t like about the place, (but there are plenty of good things too) and he has been there for a year, so he is very comfortable there and I don’t want too many changes in his life. (and so far there have been plenty).

Other things are more baffling and I think could just be developmental. For example, last night we were dancing and out of the blue and with some anger he would say/yell to me, “No dancing!” and would physically try to move me over to a chair. I tried to handle it light-heartedly with something like, “But, I feel like dancing”. Sometimes he would let it go, but other times he would persist in pushing me. I tried asking, “Do you want Mommy to watch you dance?” and didn’t’ get a response. Other times, I would be sitting down and he would come pull me up to dance with him. I have no idea if I should accommodate him, object to the way he’s talking to me (or how to do that in situations like these), or resist him by stating what I want to be doing (dancing or sitting and watching). Simply put: I don’t know how to handle his bossiness.

I have learned everything I know about parenting from books! But I can’t find (or remember) anything about bossiness.

Thanks for your time and the service you provide to parents (and therefore children too).

Kathy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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Answer:

Hi Kathy,

My name is Penny Davis. I have been a Parent Educator for over 25 years, and am one of the people who answers questions for the website. I am also the parent of two daughters, now 26 and 19.

I remember the ‘toddler’ years very well and how challenging they could sometimes be, as I tried to figure out what my girls were ‘saying’ with their behavior, what was normal behavior, and what I needed to be concerned about.

I think you are exactly right in your statement that your son’s bossiness is developmentally normal. The development of autonomy (or independence) is an important part of the early years. Children this age are just beginning to realize that there are actually other people in their world who are separate from them. When it seems like he is "demanding" because he is still learning how to express his desires, it could be that he just hasn’t yet learned how to communicate effectively. Your example about the dancing says to me that Jay is exercising his need to be his own person and have some control over his environment (which includes you!). I think you are going in the right direction with your response in letting him guide the interaction. When he says “no dancing” you might put into words what you think he is feeling/wanting…”You want mommy to sit down” and then go ahead and sit, even if you get no response from him. Same with when you are sitting and he wants to dance…”You want mommy to dance with you…I love to dance with you!”

At other times, you might try making a game of things too, so that he begins to learn about sharing. It might go something like this…”Let’s dance – how about I watch you for one minute, and then you watch me for one minute??”

With regard to the behavior that is modeled after the way his childcare provider handles discipline, again, I think your response is exactly right – it’s important for you to let him know how his behavior impacts you “I don’t like it when you yell at me” (as you have already said), or “yelling hurts my ears”. You might follow this by asking him how else he could tell you how he feels. Sometimes it’s good to reflect back to him how YOU think he might be feeling “you are really mad (frustrated, etc) right now”. All of these things are helping him understand that his feelings are valid, but that behavior has impact on others and he can make choices.

Sometimes children don’t respond to the above because they need some “calm down time” first. Since this his bossiness is a behavior pattern you could do some advance planning. This is a tool called “decide what you will do.” Let him know (during a calm time) that when he is being bossy you will go to your room and close the door until he is ready to have a respectful conversation with you. You could get him involved in the plan by asking him what he could do to let you know he is ready. If he doesn’t have an idea, offer some choices. Would he like to knock politely on your door (which you may have to teach him how to do), or would he like to push a piece of paper under the door. Giving choices allows him some power without allowing him to “rule the roost”. After he has calmed down and let you know he is ready, you could then try the above as follow up.

It seems from your letter that his childcare arrangement is mostly positive, and is providing stability for Jay, which sounds important for him, if there have been lots of changes previously. Only you (and your husband) as his parents, can judge whether the positives outweigh the negatives. An important thing to remember is that we all have to learn how to “be” in the world, and as your son makes friends, goes on to school, college and life, there will be many people who will have different values, ways of behaving etc. It is a valuable thing for him to begin to learn and understand that the way your family chooses to ‘be’ with each other is sometimes different from others.

You might want to give the daycare person a copy of “Positive Discipline the First Three Years” and ask the provider how she feels about it. Another book she might enjoy is “Positive Discipline for Childcare Providers” Since you have already read this book, I recommend “Positive Discipline A-Z, 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems” by Jane, Lynn Lott and Stephen Glenn. It contains a wealth of information about all kinds of common parenting challenges. It’s available at your bookstore or on the Website.

I hope some or all of these suggestions will be helpful for you. It sounds to me like you are very committed to being the best parent you can be, and your relationship with your son sounds very loving. It’s terrific that you are willing to read and to seek out information and assistance.

My best to you, Penny