Dear Parent,


My name is Jody McVittie and I am part of the team that answers questions for the website. I am also a parent of three teens and a family physician. I do remember this kind of episode with my own children. I didn’t know anything about Positive Discipline at the time but here is what I wish I had known.

1. Help your daughter by telling her what to do instead of what not to do. Three and one half year olds can be very intense young people. They don’t have their feelings and thoughts well sorted but they do have lots of energy. I think your observation that it looks as if your daughter wants to hug…but ends up biting is very astute and probably accurate. My guess is what she is really aiming for is a sense of connection…but she hasn’t really mastered getting the result she wants. As your daughter approaches her sister, calmly remind her to be “soft and gentle” with her touch. It will not be successful right away. But over time she’ll get the message. When she makes (another) mistake, don’t over react. Put the baby down for a second. Give your older daughter a hug (“This is what soft and gentle feels like”). Then ask her to go get a book to read or something you can do with her while you are also holding the baby as you pick the baby back up and comfort her. You can say the same words to the little one: “This is what soft and gentle feels like.” One of my children went through a “biting stage” at about that age too. He would come up and look like he was going to give me a hug and I would end up with bite marks on my thigh. I began to notice a reflex to pull back from him! I also realized that he didn’t really mean to hurt me; he just had lots of energy to connect and didn’t know how to express it. I changed my behavior and would get down to his level and open my arms and say, “Hug, soft and gentle,” as he rushed toward me. Gradually (not overnight) he learned to channel all that energy into a hug that was easier for me to receive than the bite. (But they were intense little hugs!)
    

2. Let her know that it is normal to have mixed feelings when you get a younger sister (or brother). At a time when you are playing together or having quiet time together let your older daughter know how much you love her. Let her know that you notice that sometimes it is hard for her to have a sister in the house. Invite her to share what she is feeling. If you have memories of having mixed feelings of a younger sibling coming into the house that you can share that. If you don’t have experiences to share, maybe another adult she trusts does. If not, there are lots of books for children on this subject that you could check out of the library. I particularly like the ones by Mr. Rogers because he is so honest about both the positive and negative feelings. All feelings are ok. What children need to learn is how to be angry without hurting others.

3. Resist all temptation to label her as a bully and the younger one as the victim. Discipline is about teaching, not punishing. Your job is to teach your daughter how to learn to notice her feelings (if indeed she is angry or jealous) and to help her find ways of handling them. Here are some ideas: After you have hugged both children (see #1 above) you could:

   • Say (to the oldest), it seems like you might think that you aren’t getting enough attention. If you need to snuggle too, say, “Can I have a hug?”

   • Ask (the oldest), “Are you feeling left out? What could we do together while I feed your sister (snuggle with your sister etc)?”

   • Say to the oldest. “It seems like you need some special time too. When (your young one) takes her nap, what would you like to do with me?”

4. Prevention: Notice that this will happen when your older daughter has the (mistaken) belief that I don’t belong or am not significant. You can’t make her feel belonging or significance, but you can invite those feelings by making sure that she has opportunities to contribute. (She could set the table, help pick menus, take special responsibility for pets, help cook, chose songs to sing to the baby etc.) You can make sure that she does have special time with you.

5. Another prevention tool would be to talk to your daughter about ways she can be included when you are holding the little one. At a time when the two of you are alone, you could brainstorm activities to do together and make a list. Put the list and the supplies in a special bag or box. When you are holding the young one, invite the older one to go get the bag/box and pick an activity. Almost 4 year olds can engage easily in a puzzle, reading a book, listening and singing along with a tape (or without a tape), playing “I spy with my little eye,” “teaching” the baby facial expressions (which is another way to teach the older one about feelings), etc.

6. Lastly, make sure you take time to take care of yourself. Having two children at home under the age of 4 is a lot of work. You will have more compassion, patience and be able to set limits clearly with kindness when you are at your best. Be kind to yourself and enlist the help if others if needed to make sure that you have some moments to be kind to yourself.

Best wishes, Jody McVittie