Answer:

Hi Donna,

My name is Penny Davis. I have been a counselor and Parent Educator for over 25 years, have two daughters of my own who are now 26 and 19, and am one of the people who help answer parenting questions for the website.

In reading your letter, I could certainly remember those bedtime struggles with my own children during their early years! You didn’t mention your son’s exact age, but my guess from what you did say is that he is 3 or 4 years old. You also said several things that lead me to believe that you are on the right track with your son. First you talked about making a chart with him, and second you said you felt that he would ‘grow out of this’, which indicates to me that you understand that part of what is going on is developmental. Children this age really need to feel that they have some power and some control over their lives.

Here are my thoughts and some suggestions for you. Since you have read several of the Positive Discipline books, you may already know some of the theory behind the books – that is, that children need to feel a sense of belonging and importance. When they don’t feel this, they behave in ways that they think will give them what they need. From your letter, my guess is (and it’s just a guess – only you can determine if it fits for you), that your son has engaged you in some pretty classic power struggles. I am guessing this because it sounds like you feel challenged, defeated and that you feel you need to “make” him complete these routines. What your son may mistakenly believe is “I only belong when I’m the boss, or proving that no one can boss me”. He is really saying “Let Me Help. Give me choices”. There are several things you can try.

Make sure that you are giving him lots of opportunities to feel some control over his daily life – giving him options and letting him choose (eg. Would you like cereal or toast for breakfast? You decide. Would you like to wear your blue pants or your green ones? You decide. Would you like to clean up the toys before lunch or right after lunch? You decide.). Adding, “You decide,” after giving a choice increases a child’s sense of having some power (even though it is limited to two choices.) Engage him in helping you whenever you can – folding laundry, setting the table, etc. Let him know you need and appreciate his help. This gives him a sense of using his power to contribute.

Your idea of developing a routine chart with him is a terrific one. I would look for a time during the day when things are going well, sit with him and acknowledge that you can’t “make” him do the things that you are requesting, but you need his help…then let him know that you know that he is getting older and you trust that he can take care of these things himself. Have him walk through his bedtime routine with you, listing everything in order, and either cutting pictures out of magazines or even better, if possible, taking pictures of him doing each of the bedtime tasks, to put on the chart. Kids usually love to role play this bedtime routine during the day! Try to have him give you some ideas – perhaps it would feel better to him to brush his teeth before his bath, or pick up toys after, for example. The more decisions HE makes, the more willing he will probably be to follow through. You might even (if you are willing) negotiate how much water he can splash based on what he would be willing to clean up, and put it on the chart (both the splashing and the clean up). Then, let the chart be the boss. In other words, don’t tell him what he needs to do next. Ask him, “What is next on your routine chart?” Then he can tell you – if he hasn’t already followed the chart on his own. It will be important that you not clean up for him, or engage with him in arguing about the routines. Simply say “what does the chart say?” or “what comes next?” The key here is really making sure that he has agreed with you about the routines, and then following through by being both kind and firm, without threatening or punishing. You are now simply expecting him to honor the agreement rather than ‘making’ him do what you want.

I am guessing that the hiding of pens, papers, etc also comes from your son’s mistaken idea about being the boss. I am hopeful that once he begins to feel he has some personal power and some control in his life, this behavior too, will diminish. Another possibility is that he gets too much attention (or payoff) from his comments about “being bad.” You might try saying, “Hmmmm.” Next time he says something like that. Don’t give it any energy. Most kids stop doing what doesn’t “work.”If you haven’t already read it, you might find reading the first of Jane’s books, “Positive Discipline” helpful, now that your son is getting a bit older. This book gives more specific information about children’s mistaken goals and beliefs. It is available at your local bookstore or on the Website.

You sound like a very caring parent, and I certainly commend you for your patience and your desire to find answers to behavior that are non punitive.

Good luck to you.

Hi Penny:

Thanks for the interesting ideas! I will definitely use them for creating the chart. Yes, he is 3 years and 3 months old. I normally do not react with a judgment to anything (I've never given any opinion on "being bad"), but the splashing, spitting and general naughtiness at the end of the day HAS gotten a reaction from me. Maybe that's why it persists with him....
 

I really appreciate your help. Will let you know how it goes. (I LOVE Jane's first book - have purchased many copies for friends and relatives)!

Sincerely,
 

Donna