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Apologies and Social Skills
Question: I hope someone can help me today. I have two daughters: Ava, my
oldest, just turned five, and Lily, is 20 months old. I have many issues, but
the most pressing is regarding my oldest daughter's behavior with friends.
Yesterday, I hosted a get-together with two of my daughter's friends. One is
Madison, a five year old girl from my daughter's dance class, and the other is
Gage, a five year old boy whose mother I met two years ago through my mom's
group. The friend from dance class is relatively new to the group, and this
was the first situation in which the three kids were at our house (as opposed
to the neutral territory of the local park).
Madison and her mother arrived first. The girls were playing fairly well
together, until Madison came to tell us that Ava was not letting her play with
any of her toys. I took my daughter aside and reminded her of the rules when
we have guests. All seemed well until Gage arrived. Apparently, according to
Madison, when Gage came, Ava told Madison that she wanted to play with HIM now
and ran off to do so. Madison's feelings were hurt and she asked her mom if
they could leave. I was appalled! I, again, took Ava aside and asked her how
she would have felt if one of her schoolmates had invited to her over to play,
and then decided that she couldn't play with any of their toys, and told her
she didn't want to play with her anymore because another friend had arrived.
Ava agreed she would feel sad. I told her that Madison felt sad for those very
reasons. This made Ava cry a bit, and I told her that the best way to remedy
the problem was to apologize to Madison and not to let it happen again. I
explained that manners are how we show people we care about them, and it was
important to make our guests feel happy and welcome when they visit.
We were unable to apologize to Madison in person, because she and her mother
left quickly before I was able to talk to Ava. I have a two-fold problem: I
now have to re-approach Madison's mother with an apology and let her know how
we will be handling the situation in the future, and I need to know if it is
appropriate for my daughter to apologize to her friend. Madison's mother is a
very good parent, and I admire her style and approach. Also, Madison is
extremely well-behaved, both as a guest and host. I am mortified at how my
daughter behaved, and Madison's mother even said, as they were leaving, "Well,
Madison, we'll have Ava over to our house soon to show her how it's done."
Ouch. Knife in stomach. What do I do????
A last bit of info: We used to get together on many occasions with other
mothers and kids, specifically another mom with a boy my daughter's age, as
well as Gage and his mother. Many, many afternoons were spent with all of us
together, and it was a constant opportunity to fine-tune our then-four-year-old's
social skills. We lost our third playmate last year when the family decided to
move back to their hometown in Arkansas, and since then, Ava has had very few
playdates, even with Gage. I feel terrible about this, because I feel that the
majority of the problems yesterday were caused simply by the fact that Ava is
so out of practice. However, Ava is in preschool three days a week, and she is
well aware of what appropriate behavior in social situations looks like.
Thank you in advance for any advice you can give!
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Answer: My name is Cheryl Erwin; I am a licensed
marriage and family therapist, the co-author of several of the Positive
Discipline books, and one of a group of folks who answers questions like
yours. I don't think there's a mom alive (regardless of what Madison's mom
may have said) who hasn't had a day like yours and Ava's. I appreciate the
fact that you obviously understand that your daughter is still working on
her "social graces" and it's a process, not an overnight occurrence.
Still, some of our children's mistakes and struggles can cause us
embarrassment and disappointment.
Give yourself some credit: You approached this situation with Ava in a
calm and respectful manner. You helped her understand with "what and how"
questions how Madison might have been feeling when Ava didn't want to
share and then preferred playing with Gage. You can also ask Ava if she
can think of anything she could do to help Madison feel better. My guess
is that this situation would have been resolved much more quickly had
Madison's mom not chosen to leave immediately. Still, when you've had a
chance to work through this situation with Ava, you can call and arrange
another get-together. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind:
* If Ava decides an apology is in order, she can certainly offer one.
However, as a wise person once said, "Forcing a child to apologize is like
making someone say they're Italian when they're not." If Ava feels remorse
for having hurt Madison's feelings, a simple and heartfelt apology
(between the two girls) is one way to remedy the situation.
* If Madison or Gage come to play at your house again, take time before
they arrive to do some teaching and, perhaps, some role-playing about
sharing. Sharing is a complicated skill (I know some adults who haven't
mastered it yet), and it takes practice and encouragement. You can invite
Ava to be Madison, and you play Ava. Pretend you're setting up games or
deciding which toys to play with. You can switch roles and let Ava be
herself, too. Practicing in this way gives kids some on-the-job training
about social skills, which is usually more helpful than words alone.
* Ava may choose to put her most special toys away before her friends come
to play. This is one way to avoid arguments over those things children
truly struggle to share. It can help the process of learning along if the
sharing and playing are happening with something other than a child's most
precious doll or toy--and the lessons learned are still valuable.
* I hear just a hint of competitiveness between you and Madison's mom--who
has it all together and isn't above letting you know that she thinks you
and your daughter need some work. Hard as it can be, don't take the bait.
Allow Ava to be Ava, and work on helping her learn from her mistakes while
encouraging and appreciating her successes. Madison and her mom will have
struggles of their own as time goes by--we all do. Encouragement, grace,
and respect work best when both adults and children can practice them.
You may find other helpful and worthwhile information in Positive
Discipline: A-Z by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott, available at your local
bookseller or at www.positivediscipline.com.
Take care,
Cheryl L. Erwin, MA, MFT
Certified Positive Discipline Associate
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