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Dear Dad,
My name is Jody McVittie. I am part of the team that answers questions for
the website. I also am a parent of 3 teens, a family physician, a parent
educator and have worked with schools as they transition to using Positive
Discipline in the School. I can really relate to the struggle you are
having. I volunteered to answer your question hoping that you might learn
from some of the mistakes I made when my children were in elementary
school (and faced similar problems in the classroom) and so that I could
share with you some of the tools that I have used that have been more
successful than those I tried initially.
First, the most important thing to recognize is that you cannot “get” the
teachers to implement Positive Discipline. You can invite them, and you
can begin to make the invitation really attractive, but you can’t “make
them do it.” You’re probably familiar with the saying, “You can lead a
horse to water but you can’t make it drink.” There is a second part to
that saying which is, “But you can salt the hay.” The question is how do
you “salt the hay” for these teachers.
For me the first step of being effective in salting the hay was letting go
of what I thought I really wanted for my child in school. I know this may
sound a little backwards, because it is, after all, the caring and passion
you have about your child and his education that is one of the motivating
forces here. But when I came from a place of feeling that my child was
being hurt or damaged by what was going on, I was not communicating in a
way that I could be heard. Gradually, (this did not happen overnight) I
learned to use the experiences of the classrooms as opportunities to
learn; both for myself and my children. When one of my children was
treated disrespectfully (punished, or held out in front of others as an
example of what to do or not to do) I helped my child express his or her
feelings at home and work at home for a solution. I didn’t condone what
the teacher did, but I supported my child in problem solving. On a
moderately regular basis I helped my son and daughters set up meetings
with the appropriate person at school and listened and supported them
during the meeting as they expressed their concern and why something was
not working for them. Most often we had brainstormed some possible other
solutions at home that my student was able to offer to the teacher. These
meetings were not necessarily easy, but they were helpful. My children
learned many things. They learned how to look at the situation from the
point of view of another (who has a different belief system), to look for
solutions, to ask for help, to choose their battles, and to be willing to
advocate for their needs. I began to realize that these too were important
things to learn from school, even if I had to help out in the teaching.
The teachers also learned, though sometimes not as quickly as we would
have liked. When approached in a very respectful manner by one of their
students the teachers almost always responded respectfully, were able to
share their problem and work with my kids on solutions. It took a while
for some teachers to relax and to realize that we really wanted the same
thing they did, but when they did, they took baby steps in the right
direction. In some cases, those baby steps resulted in huge changes.
Another thing that helped me was realizing that the culture of reward and
punishment is really the accepted norm. It is what most teachers are
brought up with at home, use in their own homes and are taught as part of
their education to become a teacher. A teacher without any specific
training in another direction could easily view another approach with
suspicion and fear and be with the majority of our culture. Recognizing
how radical the concept of real respect and dignity is, helped me have
more empathy and to realize that getting teachers (who are already
overwhelmed) to join in would take some time.
The steps you have taken are the perfect steps to start with. Don’t get
discouraged yet that your invitation to join groups, listen to talks and
get enthusiastic about a new way of working with kids has not be
“accepted” yet by the teachers. Just keep going….slowly.
As next steps I would consider:
Working with the principal first to figure out if he or she can join you
in this endeavor. What are his or her core beliefs? Can he or she step
outside of the punishment and reward model? If the answer is no, you will
have to go very slowly indeed. You need your principal to be your ally
here. Your book group or other parents might need to plan a strategy to
win him over. You will have a sense of what might work. You might ask him
what would win him over. You might fund his tuition and travel to a 2 day
workshop. If talking to other principals would be helpful, we could get
you some names. The key is not “convincing him” but winning him over. The
distinction is important.
If the answer is yes, and your principal is eager to work for change, then
use your principal as a resource. Work with your principal to develop a 3
year plan to gradually win over the teachers. Yes, that means that by the
time you have full implementation your son will be on to a different
school. But even small steps in the right direction (year 1 of making some
changes) can make a difference.
One way to look at the possibility for change is to think of this formula:
Distress with the current situation x vision for better situation x doable
first steps for change = change. (This is based on the work of Richard
Beckhard.) Notice that this is a multiplication problem. If any of the
factors is zero, there will be no change. You might look at this formula
through the eyes of the teachers. Do they see a “problem?” Can they see a
different future? Do the baby steps look doable (or would they result in
classroom chaos)? I have worked with 3 elementary schools to make the
transition to Positive Discipline. (Not my children’s schools.
Administrative support was not present.) In each case, before I came to do
the training the principal and staff had decided that something needed to
change. They had acknowledged they had a problem. They had a group of
teachers look into some of the choices that could solve their problem and
they, as a staff (or in one case the administration) chose what tools to
use. I am attaching a note written by one of the principals after one year
of implementation.
You as a parent also need to pay attention to the impact the system is
having on your child. When it stops being a net benefit, you have to
reconsider your options. Our family did bump into a problem that could not
be solved. When the school could or would not interfere with a serious
bullying issue after much attempted problem solving, we ended up having
one of our children move schools for two years. It was not an easy choice
but we decided that the constant bullying and the schools inability to
address the problem made the school not a healthy place for our child.
Ironically, the school district agreed, worked out another place for our
child to attend…but also could or would not solve the problem.
Lastly I want to say, “Hooray!” for you and other parents in your group.
When more voices like yours come forward with the courage to expect change
is when our culture will begin to move toward using kindness and firmness
and the same time and understanding that every human being, regardless of
age, shape, size, color or belief is worthy of dignity and respect. If I
can be of help in any other way, please feel free to contact me by email.
Best wishes,
Jody McVittie
[email protected]
Thank you for your ideas. They sound good to me, and I plan to try them.
I could use some clarification on one item. In your response, you said
that you helped your children set up meetings with the appropriate person
at school and listened and supported them during the meeting as they
expressed their concern and why something was not working for them. I
would like to try this. What is meant by "the appropriate person?" The
teacher he is having trouble with? Who would meet? The teacher, my son and
I? Is there any guidance in any Positive Discipline or other book on how
to do this?
Thanks again.
Jason
Jason,
This is kind of a long winded answer and probably more information than
you need. Use what feels useful. I'm delighted to be able to support
parents as they learn to ask the school system to be more respectful one
child at a time. It doesn't take too many parents to do this at each
school before you begin to see significant change. The key is walking your
talk and staying respectful yourself. Sometimes that is not so easy when
the teachers do things that feel so "wrong."
You have the right idea.The best place to start is with the teacher (or
classroom aide, or playground supervisor) or whoever the child was
interacting with. The challenge for the parent and the child is getting
beyond the hurt, or distress, or "this is wrong" attitude and going into
problem solving mode. I would totally agree with you, that the teacher's
tools are by far not the most effective tools out there...but he or she
doesn't have practice or experience with anything more effective, or he or
she would be using that tool. When I work with teachers I find that there
is a lot of fear about what would happen if they "let someone get away
with something." They have been taught that they have to "be in control"
and be clear that "they are the boss." Without being aware of it, they
believe in the cultural myth that in order to help children do better you
have to make them feel worse first. This is behaviorism. It does work -
short term. It works on animals. But as you have already figured out,
winning children over is more effective (and more respectful) than winning
over children (because they then lose, and get discouraged). This is all
just to help you get in the mind of the teacher with compassion...because
that is how you and your son will be most effective.
So when I worked with my kids the first step was talking about it at home:
What did you do? What did the teacher do? Then what happened? Then what
happened? And how did you feel? How do you suppose the teacher felt? It is
important in beginning the conversation to remind your son that this is
about problem solving, not about blame. He won't be blamed or punished,
and that is not what you want to do with the teacher either. Remind him
that it helps to be as accurate as possible. So that if there had been a
secret camera in the room this is what you might have seen. How did he
think the teacher saw it? (This helps prevent surprises when you go in for
the meeting.)
Second.
Brainstorm ideas that the teacher could have done differently. Just make a
huge list (write them down, or he can write them down), anything
goes...and humor works. This won't be to share with the teacher this is
just between you and your son. (When you do the teacher first, it allows
him to feel heard, and also be more creative later.) Do this
collaboratively, don't do it for him. To be collaborative with children it
sometimes helps to make suggestions that won't work. It models that
anything goes when brainstorming and it gives him a chance to become
competent (in the face of your incompetence). Encourage him to get
ideas...even if it means putting the list away for a few hours and coming
back to it.
There are several reasons to do it this way. First, of course you are
beginning to get him to solve a real problem. Second, you are teaching him
that there are lots of ways to look at a problem and lots of probable
solutions. Hopefully along the way you might have a good laugh imagining
that the teacher just came back from Hogwarts or something and he/she
could use a magic wand to rewind the whole situation and give everyone a
second chance.
Third (and this process doesn't need to happen all at one sitting)
Brainstorm choices with your son about things he could have done (or could
do) differently. Things he could have done before, or after or for next
time. Of course these are not expectations. Again follow the same
guidelines and be collaborative. Maybe this time you could suggest that he
just came back from Hogwarts and could miniaturize his teacher or change
his/her voice to graceful song. What I notice helping people problem solve
is that there is some resistance to doing things differently because they
still feel hurt. There is a bit of revenge and power going on (out of
awareness) that looks like "If I behave now the teacher will have won,
instead I need to show him/her that he/she can't and hurt him/her back."
If this is going on for your son, just remind him that you are trying to
find a solution that works for him and the teacher...because it will last
the best that way. It isn't about "paying" for things. (Isn't that what
the teacher is trying to do to him...and we're trying to help the teacher
do something different?)
Fourth
After the two lists are made spend a little time thinking (together) about
how you are going to help a teacher who believes that if you let one kid
"get away" with something the whole class will lose it understand that
your son does better and will respond better if he is not punished but can
work on solutions.
There are lots of ways to do this. You could role play the problem
situation (with him being the teacher and you being the student). Your
could just sit and think together, you could call up another person for
advice (a grand parent or someone else your son respects).
Fifth,
Now what to do? Does your son have enough tools to just change his
behavior? (Ask him if he thinks that he has a solution he can work on by
himself, or if he needs the teacher's help.) Does he want to just try
something by himself for one week? Does he want to go talk to his teacher
and see if they could work something out as an experiment for two weeks?
For me this was one of the harder parts. I would often want to "go fix"
the teacher. My children were much more cautious. They would often try all
sorts of things before they wanted to go talk to the teacher. I did my
best to let the process work. Remembering that these problem solving steps
are huge opportunities for learning...and that it was the problem itself
was giving us this opportunity helped. Sometimes after the second or third
go around with very similar problems I would tell my son or daughter that
I felt that they had been doing a super job trying to solve the problem
themselves...and now we needed to get the teacher's help. It really wasn't
ust "their" (my son or daughter's) problem ...it took two people to make
the problem and we needed to get two people to try to solve it.
Sixth,
Before going into talk to the teacher, I helped my son or daughter share
his or her concerns, share what he or she could do to help solve the
problem and what kind of help she or he was going to ask for. Some
families do an actual role play here. I never felt my kids needed that.
Then when we (parent, child, teacher) actually met face to face I did my
very best (sometimes succeeding more than other times) to support my child
in speaking. If the teacher addressed me, I would try whenever appropriate
to defer to my child. I remember one meeting when my son was a
kindergartner where he just froze up. I asked for his permission to try to
explain the problem, went slow and asked him to correct me if I got it
wrong. Then after the hard part was done, he was able to engage. If you
are able to find a solution to try for one or two weeks, ask how to follow
up. How will we know if this is working for both of you? It is a very
helpful to set up a second meeting to check on the result. If the solution
isn't working, your son and the teacher can try again. More often it is
working and the meeting gets cancelled. Having set the second meeting set
up gives both your son and the teacher the sense that there will be a
solution. One other note: when you do this only one parent should come if
at all possible. This is so the teacher doesn't feel way outnumbered. Also
it is only fair to the teacher to make an appointment to do this before or
after school. Before school, the teacher and your son will be fresher and
you might have a better chance of success. The only draw back is that you
do need 30 minutes of quiet time with the teacher so you need to schedule
it early enough that the teacher has that time (or can keep the door
closed). After school works too. Don't do it at regular parent teacher
conferences. There is enough to talk about then.
Seventh.
Don't judge by the teacher's immediate response if the plan worked or not.
It can be frustrating when it seems like they didn't hear your child. But
sometimes the defensive layer is just so thick that they can't hear at the
moment and there will still be a shift in behavior. Kids are actually
better at changing their behavior than adults. Be patient. If it didn't
work by the second meeting you can try again.
Mostly we've had success with these tools. Most often (but not always) the
teacher and my child worked out great solutions. More than that, they
learned some very valuable problem solving skills. Sometimes we as parents
don't see those very often. We got a glimpse this fall when my eldest, a
freshman at college, called upset with a professor that she felt was
treating her disrespectfully. She informed us, matter of factly, how she
had made an appointment to let him know how she felt and that she knew
other students felt the same way and to give him suggestions to be more
effective and respectful. Neither my husband or I had the courage to
approach our professors like that....and we certainly didn't have the
tools to do it respectfully. On a follow up call she informed us that the
conversation had gone well, that he was defensive at first, but that in
the end he heard her, agreed and had improved for the better. Great tools
for citizens of the world we live in.
Best wishes to you!
Jody McVittie
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