Your dilemma is a common one for child care providers. When a child cries when they are dropped off and then cries again when it¹s time to go home, that can be a good sign. He does not seem to be saying that he doesn¹t like the childcare setting (nor that he doesn't like going home), he may just be saying that he is uncomfortable with change. Regarding his crying at the end of the day, sometimes it helps to give a child some warning that it is almost time to go home, and to plan the transition. For example, some child care programs put all the crafts supplies and creative play materials away 30 minutes before the end of the day, and then focus on quiet activities that don¹t require much cleaning up - like reading.

I also recommend that you work with the family (including the boy¹s sister)to change the drop-off routine. I don¹t know if you¹re familiar with a book titled Positive Discipline for Childcare Providers, by Jane Nelsen and Cheryl Erwin. It has a lot of great ideas and is available at www.positivediscipline.com. On page 148 of the book it talks about how to work with a child to choose a “hugging good-bye” instead of a “crying good-bye.” This article might also be helpful for the parents to read, it talks about how children sometimes “push” their parents “buttons,” such as the “working a parent’s guilt button.” When parents become more comfortable with their choice to put their child in daycare, and have assured themselves that their choice of a

child care setting is a good one, then they are not as likely to respond when a child tries to “push their button.” At a subconscious level, children know when their behavior “works” and when it doesn’t.

I recommend that you sit down with the family, the parents and both of the children, to talk about solutions for the hard time you are all having with the morning drop-off. You might all decide that Mom and Dad will give the children a kiss and say a quick good-bye when they drop the children off (they don¹t need to explain each time that their child can¹t stay at home, or that they have to work). The child should be a part of this discussion; he could talk about his thoughts and feelings and what would make the transition easier, this would help him to feel understood (sometimes we call this ³putting yourself in the child¹s shoes²). And you might ask him to practice a different way of saying good-bye (as described in the article mentioned above). The child¹s sister seems to want to help him, she could be enlisted to help him in a better way (maybe by helping him to get involved in an activity right away).

One more thing you might try is to simply let him have his feelings and have faith in him to handle his situation in his own way. When he cries you could try one of the following:

1) Give him a quick hug and don’t say anything. Just let him know by your attitude that you understand. Then leave him to deal with his feelings.

2) Give him a quick hug and say, “I can see that you are upset. It is okay to feel what you feel.” Then go to your next task.

3) Give him a hug and say, “I’m so glad to see you. Come find me when you are ready.”

These suggestions are a quick way to show support without abandoning, rescuing, or fixing. They are ways of showing you care and that you have faith in him to deal with his feelings.

Another person on our answer panel shares how this worked for her as the parent:

My response to Emma (my daughter) when she behaved this way at this age was to give her a warm hug and with love say, "It's okay to be upset, you cry as long as you need to, when you are done you can come and play". It did a great job of defusing ME and it worked. I have repeated this with her on several occasions and sometimes she says, "Okay." and stops immediately. Other times she cries for another several minutes. When she is done, she comes out to play. It has never ceased to amaze me.

Thank you for writing to Positive Discipline. I can tell by your letter

that you are loving and encouraging with the children in your care, they are lucky to have you as a child care provider.

I wish you the best in your work with children,

Mary Jamin Maguire

Challenging Three Year Old in Daycare

Question:

Dear Positive Discipline,
I am writing you this letter because I just do not know what to do. I have a daycare in my home. I have been doing this for several years, but about a month ago I met my biggest challenge. A 3 year old with the vocabulary of a 6 year old and very smart. I am pretty sure he has ADHD but he has not been tested for it. I have spoken to his mother about it and she said that she did not care if he had it or not that no doctor was going to medicate her child. Well, him being here is very difficult for me to handle. He is not social with the other children, he is very loud, he can not stay focused on a game or craft, he can not even stay focused on a conversation. When I try to discipline him, he screams and hollers. I can not get him to stand in the corner because he falls to the ground and kicks and screams at the top of his lungs!! I can not put him on time out because he does the same thing. I do not know what to do with this child. I do not spank in my daycare. His parents have told me too but that is just not my place and I feel that is overstepping my boundaries as a caregiver. I refuse to do that. What can I do to get this child's attention and punish him? I am so lost. The parents tell me almost daily that they are so thankful that I will still watch him because they know how frustrated I am. I do not want to leave them hanging but I have to get control of this child. PLEASE HELP ME!! How can I help him to interact with the others and how can I discipline him? PLEASE HELP ME. I don't know what else to do.
Thank you, Nikki


Answer:

Dear Nikki,
I am responding to the question that you wrote to the Positive Discipline web site, I work with a team of people who are trained in the Positive Discipline approach and who respond to the web site letters. I have worked with children with emotional and behavioral challenges for about thirty years, and I am licensed as a Psychologist with a Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology and am also licensed as a Clinical Social Worker.

You seem to be a childcare provider who is dedicated to your work and to the children in your care. You also seem to treat each child as an individual, and to be very nurturing and structured in your program (in Positive Discipline we call that “firm and kind.”) Positive Discipline is based upon the idea that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child, and we can be pretty sure that your challenging child has a mistaken belief about how to belong, to fit in. You can figure out his goal by paying attention to how you feel when he misbehaves; if you feel annoyed he may be looking for undue attention (i.e. believing that it is worth it to get your negative attention), if you feel challenged and angry, he may be in a power struggle with you (i.e. believing that he only belongs when he is in charge), or - if you feel hurt his goal could be revenge. For more about the the Four Goals of Misbehavior, see Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelsen. Based upon the description in your letter, I am guessing that his mistaken goal is power; he seems to believe that he belongs only when he is in charge.

So, the most effective way to change his behavior is to address the belief behind the behavior. Many times, for a child in a power struggle with an adult, the answer is to work with the child¹s strengths and encourage him to use his power in a useful way. The child you described is smart and has a good vocabulary. You also said that he is loud, has poor social skills with peers, and has trouble focusing on an activity. I suggest that you talk with him (briefly) about your concerns and observations, let him know you need his help (asking his help is an invitation for him to use his power in a useful way) and work with him on a solution. You might offer to play with him and another child; ask him to choose the activity (he will likely choose an activity he likes and one in which he is usually successful), and which child he would like to play with. You might want to steer him into an activity in which he is likely to be successful, such as a large motor activity outside (e.g. throwing a ball into a basket), or one that you have noticed is his favorite activity.

This child would also benefit from direct skill training. When he is having difficulty with a task or a relationship, you might verbalize what you see (“Are you frustrated?”), and then, gently and kindly. put your arm around his shoulders and offer a solution (“Here, if we talk in an inside voice, we can figure out what the problem is ...” or, “How about if Billy plays with the truck for three minutes, then you can play with it for three minutes?”). We do not recommend “punishment,” in general, and “consequences” are not usually necessary (especially for a child of three). Remember, he is only three years old and still in the process of learning how to play with others and focus on activities.

It might be also helpful for you to remember that this child¹s ultimate goal is to feel a sense of belonging - with you and with his peers (as well as with his family). So, whatever you do, keep that loving connection between you. When you are frustrated with his behavior, it might be useful for you to think about his strengths.

I applaud you for your work with children, and for your quest to find additional ways to be a nurturing and supportive provider for the kids and the parents. Hang in there, and thanks for writing to Positive Discipline.

Take care,
Mary Jamin Maguire