I’m planning to attend your two-day workshop on Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way, and am starting to anticipate some questions that may arise with some of the parents of the families we deal with where the children have serious behavioral problems, particularly with children that seem highly impulsive, very immature, and prone to high- risk behaviors. For example, somewhere I read that ADHD children tend to be approximately 3 years behind the average child in maturity. Add to that their impulsivity and, in many, the presence of processing problems, I'm wondering how to adapt or tailor techniques to these children. For example, I really like the general rule that 17 year olds should be getting about 1 "no" a year but I wondered if there would be much more limit-setting for extended periods with the exceptionally immature/impulsive child. I imagine a lot of this is commonsense and that also, as I do more reading and get into this more deeply, I will be able to think this out more....but this question has occurred to me at this point (having an exceptionally immature 17 year old client at this time that seems to have a questionable ability to learn from his mistakes and to change course!) Or another issue could arise related to the extreme organizational difficulties of ADHD children and the possibility that they may need extensive handholding by adults for longer given that this is a function of a real disability that is very extreme in some cases. (We have cases where children have to bring home "reminder binders" with homework assignments signed off daily by teachers that are then signed off by the parent at home....pretty close monitoring in other words). I realize that these questions are pretty general at this point so they may be difficult to answer now, but its an idea of where I have some discomfort and confusion.

I am very excited about attending the workshop. I very much appreciate the work that you're doing and welcome any suggestions for specific resources or contacts! Thank you,

Carol.

 A:

Carol, I'm a family doctor, parent of 3 teens, a Certified Positive Discipline Associate, and a parent educator. I don't have any children in my family with ADHD...but can share a few pieces of what I do know from working with families that do. I hope that it might be helpful.

First ADHD, Aspergers, anxiety syndromes etc aren't just one thing...or three things...but bunches of individuals that are lumped together by the behaviors that show up. We are all unique individuals. We have unique genetic makeup and we all respond uniquely (and creatively) to our environments. And in that response, each of us is moving toward a sense of belonging and meaning in our own lives. It may seem like we get off on the "wrong track" because of what our picture is about what it means to belong and have meaning...but that is where we are headed. It may get worse when a child feels like they "can't belong" (because they are different) and in discouraged/desperate moves to belong anyway, behavior looks more and more discouraged and discouraging.

Kids who get labeled with a medical label like ADHD or Asperger's have a set of behaviors that makes it even harder to get a sense of belonging....and that can make things worse not better. One of my favorite books on the subject is "One Mind at a Time" by Mel Levine. What Dr. Levine notices is that mostly labeled kids aren't what their label claims. That doesn't mean that they function easily in our world...often they have a significant brain wiring "difference" that creates specific challenges for them. For example, when a child has difficulty processing a sequence of directions (and most of the class doesn't) he begins to feel different and "not as good as" the other kids. Without recognizing that it is really only a very narrow problem, this sense of being "not as good as" gets generalized....and occupies more and more of his brain space...and makes it more difficult to do some of the other processing/learning activities. This means he can't do other things well either...even though he could if he weren't so distracted/discouraged. It creates a vicious cycle. Dr. Levine's experience is that when kids are taught about their own brains, and a more narrow "diagnosis" is made, that they are relieved. They are eager to work on the small and specific tasks that help them build a bridge over their challenging spot. With the new found sense that they are "normal" and "can" fit in, behavior can improve dramatically and so can academic achievement. Working with kids specifically around their challenges and teaching them compensatory skills can make such a huge difference. It is particularly true if the rest of the message is that you are a fine person...you just have a few challenges...and you are skilled enough to be able to work around those by learning a few new tools.

I cannot understate the importance of the sense of belonging and meaning. I usually have one or two parents in each parenting class who have a child diagnosed as ADHD. When they learn some new parenting tools, engage their children more, stop doing things for them that they can do for themselves (sometimes a hard line to find), the parents come to me with delighted and shocked at how much more fun it is to be with their child. My experience is that in trying to do "well for children" the most common mistake is that parents do too much. Most of the successes happen when parents (who are afraid for their kids) take a step toward believing that their child is capable and having faith in their child. They take a baby step toward realizing that their child can learn from mistakes...if the child is not shamed in the process. One parent I remember from a recent parenting class was having trouble with her son (7th grade). He "couldn't" even get himself out of bed, was doing poorly in school, couldn't focus, was bothering other kids etc. The big turning point in her family was when she got consistent about giving him the responsibility for getting himself out of bed and began to express her faith in him that he could do it. She also engaged him in chores around the house and made an effort to spend special time with him. Within 2 weeks she said she was "pinching herself". She almost did not recognize her son as the same person. She confided privately "He is really doing better in school too." I asked her what she thought made the difference. Her response: "I think he finally feels like he has a place at home now."

A word of caution, I am NOT saying that kid behavior is the "parent's fault." What I am saying is that the each child with their own combination of gifts and challenges makes decisions about how to belong. Helping a child use their gifts to make bridges over their challenges AND working together to create an environment in which our kids get the message that they are capable, we have faith in them, they have a place to belong and that they make a valuable contribution is the best thing we can do for kids.
 

I realize this is kind of a general answer and may not fit your specific needs, but I would be glad to be more specific if it would help. I do recommend you read Mel Levine's book. I think you will find it heartening. Best wishes,

Jody McVittie, MD.

A: From Laurie Prusso, instructor of child development at Modesto Community College and Certified Positive Discipline Associate

I'm so glad that Jody responded and also referred you to Dr. Mel Levine's work. Isn't that interesting? At least we are on the same page! My experience is that of an Early Childhood educator and college instructor. I have also raised 6 boys! It is my experience and belief that what happens to most if not all children in our society and systems today is that they
are expected to fit in, conform, behave, and learn in one way. Typically that way is, sit down, be still, pay attention, and then regurgitate what you have heard (learned).

Children with the kinds of gifts you refer to do not learn in fact don't function that way--so they are considered problems. Their behavior is defined as "challenging", and they are labeled, ostracized, and rejected. Did you know that something like 90% of men and boys in prison have identified learning "disabilities"? Could it be that they way the system
deals with them leaves them limited options?

Anyway, my advice builds on Jody's. In addition to relationship building and strong, real connections with family and extended folks, these children need environments that support their intelligence and learning modes--not demands that they conform to rigid classroom rules and contract systems. They need opportunities to create order and structure in their lives, with adult love, support and encouragement, and trust in the child. But they may have a hard time "fitting in to" the structure and order that others demand.
They deserve the right to use their creativity and activity to demonstrate their learning in ways other than writing, tests, and recall of facts. They are often conceptual learners who could sing you a song, paint you a picture and describe it, or make a movie about the topic.

Most of all, we must provide them with acceptance, love and space that recognizes their wonder, curiosity, creativity, energy, and passion as positive attributes and not as "misbehavior". We are responsible for the misbehavior when our environments don't support the child's needs! I have seen teachers who are able to do this with some of the most "disruptive" children. It works. The behavior improves. The children learn and demonstrate their learning. The need to disrupt diminishes. The destruction of property or hurting of others is extinguished! Love and space (emotional space, cognitive space, and physical space) are the answer.

Relationships lead behavior.

We need to ask ourselves, what can I do to meet this child's needs, instead of how can I coerce and control this child to fit into my system and get him to "behave"?

I hope that helps. As I read it back it sounds like I'm a radical. I'm not. I just see children, everyday almost, who would thrive in an atmosphere of love and supportive space. Instead, from very early ages,they are made BAD. I guess you can tell that I am  passionate about this.

Laurie