 |
Positive Discipline Toolbox - by Adrian Garsia
My wife Jody and I were arguing the other day. It was the sort of argument
that gets us nowhere. Jody says that I am like a pit bull, jumping on whatever
she says and not letting go. For my part I just want her to see my point of
view and felt frustrated at not getting agreement. We used to argue back and
forth until we were both upset and worn out. Often when we finally made up we
could not see why we had argued at all. We both felt that it would be better
next time to just stop discussion, trusting that we solve any real issues
later when we were not feeling attacked or upset. We talked about signaling to
each other so that we could remember our desire not engage in useless arguing.
For a long time, we would forget the signal or just be upset and not able to
stop ourselves from arguing. The other day was different though, because Jody
used a really clear signal and I was able to get myself to disengage from the
argument. Jody had her hands forming a “T” and was
saying “time out”. At first I had to really bite my tongue, “Fine”, I
muttered, “I will just go outside then”. In fifteen minutes I no longer felt
the need to argue. Instead of feeling angry with Jody, I felt grateful for her
using a nonverbal signal and recognizing that we needed to stop.
The situation I described above is an example of how various relationship
tools can be very effective when used together.
Tool 1 - Stopping (stop sign) - If we are engaged in a behavior (like arguing)
that is ineffective or doesn¹t feel right, a good thing to do is STOP.
Tool 2 - Nonverbal signals (duct tape) - Sometimes signals work better than
words. It is difficult to argue with a hand signal.
Tool 3 - Positive Time-Out - (vacation brochure) - We do better when we feel
better. We can¹t solve problems when we are in emotional conflict. Withdrawing
helps us cool off.
Tool 4 - Planning (Map) - Ideally the people involved need to problem solve
and come up with a strategy together to deal with recurring situations. In the
above example Jody and I planned to signal to each other when we found
ourselves arguing. If coming to agreement of a plan is difficult, you can
decide what you need to do and notify the others involved of what you will
do.
(from Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen and 20+ Personal Tools for Building
Effective Relationships by Enrich-Abilities Inc.)
Adrian Garsia is father to Anna (age 10) and Christopher (age 6) and husband
to Jody Stix Garsia. Adrian and his wife each work three days a week, so they
can both be actively involved in the care of their children. When he isn't
working on houses as a contractor, Adrian volunteers in both his children's
classrooms, makes peanut butter sandwiches and reflects on the joys of
watching children grow and learn. |
|
